The Feedbag

Tuesday

2006-10-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

woke up a little later than usual. didn't sleep very well last night. so i actually did stop at mcd this morning.....but i only got coffee :oD

breakfast

coffee - 2

lunch

6 inch turkey and cheese sub sandwhich - 10 (guess)
cup of potato soup
marble pound cake

dinner

garlic chicken with pasta and veggies - 15 points

so i can't really say exactly how many points i had today but either way...i know i did really well. this is huge milestone for me. im eating regular meals not eating in between or having monster portions.

the biggest loser is on tonight. i love that show.

Begone Fat Girl!!

2006-10-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

well....here i go again. this time i have a plan. a pretty good plan i think. a doable plan.

no more drive thru's, or fast food. im done with that.

so for breakfast im shooting for a high fiber breakfast. banana's, oatmeal...stuff like that. which i can get at work and its a whole lot cheaper than mcd's.

lunch will be my main meal. i can pretty much get anything from subs, salads, even like a hearty meal with meat and veggies/potatoes. i can get mexican or a burger if i wanted. i can get anything.

and for dinner i will have a big ass salad.

and after dinner i walk a mile with leslie's walk away the pounds tape.

and ill do that until i can do more and then take it from there. im still going to weight watchers on saturday's to weigh in so ill be able to track my progress.

this needs to work. i am at my highest weight i have ever been in life and i really am not comfortable at all. i dont like the way this feels and i really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. i want love...to be loved. and its clearly obvious that its not going to happen at this weight or at this size. and frankly who can blame anyone. i wouldn't want me......this is not cute. not at all.

so here i go again. i promise to update regularly with my progress.....im not going to promis daily but i can give you at least once a week. if i have the time at work ill try to do the food journal....

i have a goal. im sticking to it. the game is on!

wish me luck

Blogging much???

2006-09-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

Ill get back to this....i promise!!

It's All In Then Bag!

2006-08-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

ok todays intake....

7am (the car) (mcdonalds)2 sausage egg & cheese burrittos, hasbrown, diet coke.

noon: (my desk) 2 lean pockets. i dont know if i mentioned it before but the hot pockets that we have for lunch are actually lean pockets. turkey, ham and cheese.

carrot and celery sticks...about 4/5 of each dipped in ranch dressing.

6pm: (home) bowl of oatmeal with sugar added.

and thats all she wrote!

im feeling good about this week. i believe that i have made some major improvements. i might not have had the greatest of foods but with my budget the way it is....i did the best that i could. and i could have done worse. so im pleased with my food choices this week and i hope that on saturday it shows.

i want my sticker damit!!

Were On a Roll!!

2006-08-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

ok im not really understanding how i feel today. after work last night i really didn't have dinner. i had 2 tomatoes and a cucumber. plain. nothing added to it...just 2 tomatoes ( i ate like an apple) and a cucumber. while i was out letting the dogs out my neighbor handed them too me and i thought...great...dinner! so this morning i wake up feeling like i ate a cow. maybe its weather related i don't know. my legs feel so heavy today. i don't get it.

and so it begins:

7am (in the car) egg mcmuffin, hashbrown & diet coke.

i wasn't really hungry. i could have waited till i got to work.....but ok....its not that bad. lunch is going to be lite today anyway. hot pockets. woo hoo...ugh

i hate being broke.

9am (desk) coffee, water, sliceofpoundcake

ugh....10:43 and this day is dragging. im in a lot of pain today and i don't understand why. unless its going to rain and i just don't know it...i really dont' think so its bright and sunny and i haven't heard anything about rain. but man my legs are just soooo aching today. im pretty sure a lot has to do with the fact that i sit most of my day away. i really dont' like that....go figure. but thats the kind of job i have. then i go home and im on the computer and by the time im done with that i just want to lay down and go to sleep. my activity level is sooo bad. i really need to get out and do something active.

i have my hobbies but they require me to sit as well.....walking only gets me so far. i need to do something a little more funner (?) i want to get an mp3 player or an ipod or something of that nature. i think that that will help me alot to walk more. among other things. im also thinking of buying a treadmill or a bike so when i am home watching tv...i can be productive.

i think when sarah moves out im going to change her room into a workout room. set up the tv get a few machines. maybe i can get lucky and find something at a yard sale cheap. or catch a really good sale. im going to look into it. its kinda hard cuz so many of those machines have weight restrictions and i hate that. im not buying into it either.......i need to get my legs strong again or ill be cripple before im 50. (jesus i can't believe i just said that)

Noon (at my desk) today we had hot pockets. i had a chessburger one and 1/2 t/h/c and 1/2 beef and cheddar.

sarah and i wanted to try the beef one so we split them. the cheeseburger one rocks. that was good. we got cheap lunch today cuz were broke at the moment. sarahs paycheck hasn't come through yet and with me being on vacation....my check was really short. i paid bills and that was about it. so for $1.00 i can get 2 hot pockets and be full. full on a buck....can't beat that. i don't think anybody knows about this little find that i stumbled across as the label in the machine says $1.50 but when you put in the right amount i was always getting a dollar back. so i checked the price and sure enough....50 cents. sweet deal for hot pockets. so in a pinch when money is tight....at least i know all i need a dollar and ill be good to go.

1:43pm (at my desk) drinking tea with a 2 point ww snack. cinnamon sugar swirl bar. taste like a cinamon bun. pretty good.

im not really hungry but im soooo freaking bored right now. this day is dragging some megga ass and as much as im trying to get through the day without going bananas......i wanted to munch on something. now i have money and i could have went to the vending machine....but i didn't.

3 more hours of this torture.

im pretty sure i won't be eating dinner. most likely have tomatoes and cucumbers again like last night as we have plenty.

i love me some garden veggies

these people on eb@y think they are so clever.....charging 9.99 for a mp3 player and $40 to ship it. please.....give me a break.

kinda bummed i can't play bingo tonight....

2:42: 2 point snack WW Whole Grain cheddar twist. i got these in SC. they are not available here anymore...i wish they were i love these better than the other ones they have that are not whole grain.

omg im falling asleep at my desk. ive been working on this project all day long. im so tired of looking at it. what im doing is removing people off our system. they're are hundreds of them......so its like....click drop down click scroll click click remove, save......and repeat.

ALL.DAY.LONG!!!

ive been getting up to take little walks around cuz my legs are getting so stiff. i feel like they are going to break at the knees. especially my right leg. something is just not right. i would go to a doctor but hes just gonna say lose weight. i really need to get blood work done, examined...the whole 9. i really need to get to the dentist....there is a reason you never see a big smile......i just need help.

okay so im home now. dinner looks like tomatoes again which is really fine. im not really hungry and i think that if i get in the habit of not eating so much at night and just have something small.....i will start to feel better.

enjoy the night....

Lets Get Blogging Started, Shall We!!

2006-08-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

well after a few rough days we started out pretty today. civil at least. I think i put to much pressure on her. maybe im expecting to much. you know that saying misery loves company....well im miserable and bringing her down with me. i dont' like to make her cry. but i do. im not a nice person. I try really hard but deep down...i just don't have it in me. especially since im not happy myself. i need help. seriously.

ok today so far.....

730am (in the car): 2 hashbrowns (6), bottle of water (0) = 6 points

800am (at my desk): coffee w/creamer (2), cinnamon raisin bagel (4) w/half veggie cc (2) and half strawberry cc (2) = 10 points

I wasn't really hungry when i got to work...i know i wanted coffee and i know i wanted something. while im here let me get caught up for the week so i can really start doing this right....

Monday

nothing on the way to work Breakfast - (at my desk) 2 packages of 2 point WW cheddar twist snacks (4), water, tea, water,tea = 4 points

Lunch - (at my desk) half of sausage/egg/cheese bisquit (?), 1 turkey and ham & cheese hot pocket (?), water = ? points (ill have to figure that one out)

Dinner - (at home) 2 whoppers with bacon and cheese (?)

Midnight - (at home) 1 Taco Bell Crunchy Nacho grilled stuffed burrito (?)

Ill have to figure the points out when i get home. not really the best choices i know this...but when funds are limited, this was about all i could do. but thats monday.

back to tuesday.....

i dont why it is that my brain function is always wondering what im going to eat next....always wondering what i can get now. money is a bad influence. as soon as i get it, im thinking...ok....where can i go to eat....or who can i call to go out and get something to eat.....and i have no problems paying since im the one who really wants to go. is it because i don't like to cook where i live? is it just easier? i know im an addict but there has to be something more to it. why does money equal food?? i can do so many other things!! buy new clothes, buy anything!! god forbid...SAVE IT??? Bills, food, gas & Bingo.....its all i spend my money on. thats it! and im talking about eating out kinda food. i don't go grocery shopping. if i had my own kitchen...i would...but i don't and it discourages me from going. which is why i don't cook, which is why we eat out all the time....or we microwave.

i have an excuse for everything don't I.

11am (at my desk while typing this) a strawberry danish (?)

water water everywhere......

Noon (cafateria) thai salad with noodles, chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, advocado, cabbage and a peanut sauce dressing. i ate about 3 1/4 of it... (?)

im pretty full right now. i won't be eating again till later tonight...if i decide to stop anywhere. im thinking i won't...but we'll see. our neighbor has given us lots of tomatoes and the roomies won't eat them...so im sure ill grab a few and munch on them. love tomatoes. that just might be dinner actually.

7pm (at home on the computer) 2 tomatoes our neighbor gave us. plain.....ate like an apple...lol

well thats. i dont' think ill be going anywhere to get anything. as a matter of fact i know im not going anywhere.....so that was my day.

have a good one!

Wednesday

2006-07-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

So far today:

9am (in the car): typical McDonalds breakfast

12:30 pm (at my desk): Spinach & Tangerine salad w/chick peas and tomato salsa, pita pieces and Caesar dressing

so far 1 liter of water and 2 (Venti) cups of tea

going to bingo tonight so I'm sure ill have something there. pizza most likely unless I stop and get something somewhere else. ill let you know.

I'm really so not hungry today. I didn't really need to eat and I'm guessing its from the overindulging I did yesterday which I'm still kinda feeling. the fullness that is. so eating today was not really necessary.

I'm so not hungry. especially after the tea and water I've been drinking. it only makes me feel worse.

do I think that having a salad justifies it??

I kept thinking ok the cafe closes in a half hour.....I can still get my salad mind you at starbucks. they close at 4.

plenty of time. my mindset is so fucked up.

I eat cuz I have money, its there for me, so why the hell not. I wish I didn't love food so much. I was thinking yesterday that I need to change my mindset from spending my money on food to something else. like take up shopping or pay my bills on time.....or anything other than what am I going to eat today.

my mom is going to freak out when she see's me. if it were only possible to loose like 50 lbs in 2 weeks.

I'm sooo fucked.

Monday/Tuesday

2006-07-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

ok so its been a while since ive updated....shoot me.

So a request was made in my comments to post every day this week so im going to give it a fair try. i missed yesterday simply cuz when i thought about it it was too late. i had every intention of blogging....just forgot. so here we go.

Since i haven't blogged in a while let me just start by saying that last week i lost 2.2 which is now a total of 4 lbs lost since i started way back when. I'm hoping that this will be an ongoing thing every week as i really need start taking this program and my life a bit more seriously than i have been. getting by is not cutting it. 2 weeks from tomorrow im going to get getting on a plane (which won't be pretty) to visit my mom (who doesn't need to worry about me anymore) and im really not looking forward to that part of my trip.

These are awsome. Its a great little treat if you ever in need of a chocolate fix.

so yesterday (Monday) I had my typical mcdonald breakfast which consist of (in case you don't already know) 2 sausage burritos (has eggs, sausage, cheese & peppers wrapped in a tortilla), 2 hashbrowns and a diet coke. on the weight watcher points scale its 18 points all together.

for lunch i had this salad. it was a mexican blend, had turkey, black beans, avocado, peppers, turnips (i think ), and a tomatoe salasa (i forget what its called, but you know what it is....) it came with this interesting dressing too that complimented the salad. it was really good and tasty. i would guess to say that it was 10 points and thats pretty high. im sure its less but since i can't really get an accurate number right now...10 will do. it was very yummy and i think im going to have it again today.

when i got home a took a long nap and while working i had 3 2 point snack things from ww. so to total up today i had 34 points which is what im supposed to have. now what i did after midnight....ill never tell. LOL its not even really funny, cuz im embarrassed and ashamed and ive been feeling really good these past few days and now i feel like shit again and i hope that this does it for me.

so ive been on this tea kick. its been a while since ive had coffee. i have forgotten how good tea really is and i like that it doesn't make me feel so weighed down ya know. ive been sampling different kinds. i haven't found one imparticular that is to die for as they are all very good.

Tuesday Feedbag so far today has been: Fruit cup with plain yogurt and granola.

i went and bought a few different blends of teas to have. this might sound gross to some but i resuse the bag 2 or 3 times. i don't just use it once. the first time i use it i dunk and i take the bag out. when i go for my second cup i then leave it in and its usually good for 2 more cups.

i drink a lot of tea....lol.

Right now im enjoying this one and i hope it work!

This was lunch...i found a different kind today and it was really good!! this one was California Advacado and Thai noodle salad. it had lots of chicken and cabbage, noodles, and advacado....i love me some advacado.....and it came with a peanut sauce....yum yum!! came with chips too.

so that was my day so far. im sure im going to have dinner someplace at some point and ill update that later on.....

Fridays Menu

2006-07-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

OK....so far today

1am (home) mcdonalds chicken bacon ranch salad, diet coke

7am (in my car) typical mcd breakfast w/coffee

noon (at work) chef salad w/ff dressing, marble pound cake

3 liters of water

9pm (at home) mcdonalds chicken bacon ranch salad, diet coke, mchicken sandwhich

backtracking:

ok so i haven't posted any food stuff in a while. basically cuz there really hasn't been much and i don't have any pics for ya....but here goes the breakdown....

4 day weekend: (4th of july weekend)

sat/sun/mon/tues: rice & beans. i made a big pot saturday morning and since i slept all day i basically only ate that during the night while i was working. i would say around 4 bowls each day. it was a big pot...lol

wednesday: about 8 crackers at work, 4 liters of water, and HH Cheeseburger Macarroni.

(no money this week, so i didn't have anything to eat at work)

thursday: 2 packages of ramen noodle soup, 5 liters of water, peanut butter sandwhich

Thursday's Food intake

2006-06-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

ok since i haven't posted any pics in a while...here they are

today i brought a ream of crackers to munch on
for breakfast and they day really and coffee

this was my lunch. chicken salad sandwich,
cup of brocolli soup and carrots and celery
and of course the never ending supply of water

for dinner we had stroganoff made with turkey meat which i didnt' take a pic of sorry. it was ok.

i won't eat again today. its 8pm and im going to try and not eat anything after 8pm. drink more water thats about it.

i wrote another really long entry today that comes after this one called Superfluity. I was in deep thought today...LOL

Have a great day!!

Superfluity

2006-06-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

so im looking in the mirror today and i have this flashback memory thing happen where im standing on the bus on my way to school with my friend and at the bus stop there is this very large (300+lbs), very hot (it was summer in NY), very uncomfortable looking woman i would say in her late 30's possibly older wearing this flower "moo moo" type dress flip flops where you can see just how swollen her ankles are because of how big she is and me saying to my friend, "if i ever get that big, just shoot me."

its a good thing were not friends anymore......

how naive of me to think that that couldn't happen to me. granted i wouldn't be caught dead in a dress of that nature but still....i am that big. i am obese. i am obese? i AM obese!

according to Webster....

obese :
excessively fat

so i look up Fat and got this...

fat :
animal tissue consisting chiefly of cells distended with greasy or oily matter2 a : oily or greasy matter making up the bulk of adipose tissue and often abundant in seeds b : any of numerous compounds of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen that are glycerides of fatty acids, are the chief constituents of plant and animal fat, are a major class of energy-rich food, and are soluble in organic solvents but not in water c : a solid or semisolid fat as distinguished from an oil3 : the best or richest part4 : OBESITY5 : something in excess : SUPERFLUITY

Superfluity?? curiousity got the best of me.......

1 a : EXCESS, OVERSUPPLY b : something unnecessary or superfluous2 : immoderate and especially luxurious living, habits, or desires

so there you have it! I am no longer obese....I am Superfluity!!!

sounds a lot better doncha think!

so ive been doing really well i think. its been two days now and i have not stopped at mcdonalds for breakfast or anything for that matter and that is huge! ive been eating more salads and less fast foods and when i do go to fast food i get a salad.

a great big part of this whole process is money too. im broke this week so i won't go to theses places simply because i don't have the money to go. but will that stop once i get paid again. i think that i would give it a good try. i mean...ive been doing really well. considering what i could have done. honestly...its hard to do a lot of things now. im not comfortable. ive reached that threshold. rock bottom.

i know what my limits are. when i can't walk without hurting, or breathing normally its a problem. have you ever felt your body when you walk?? have you ever looked at yourself walking? its amazing the difference between what you think and what is real. for example....(and i believe that this is one of reasons why im superfluity (heh) is because i never used to FEEL how i look. i always felt smaller that what i really am and its not until im passing a windo or looking in a full length mirror that i really see what i look like and every time im shocked and amazed by this person in the mirror thinking...is that really me???

well now....i feel how i look. i see myself all the time thanks to this full length mirror in the bathrooms here at work and i see myself walking towards it and i SEE how big i really am and i SEE how my body shifts the weight around and i SEE the wobble and i understand now why i get those looks of horror when i pass people who see me. and i FEEL everything. its amazing. it sucks...but its amazing just how much the body puts up with for you. ive been fat all my life...gradually getting bigger and bigger. i never really was "skinny" to the publics eye. although now i look at pics of me when i was a teenager and i see how small i was.....and back then was still considered fat.....i wish i was that fat again....LOL. its funny cuz even when i lost all that weight years ago....i still felt like i was before i lost the weight.

so yeah...now my body is tired. tired of carrying this weight around and its letting me know in so many ways and ive just been ignoring it. i just keep putting the weight on like someone else suffers from it. granted we all suffer on many levels, i know my friends worry about me, i know my family worries about me. everybody worries. how come im not worried? i do worry. but not enough to scare me. i should be scared. im at an age right now that anything could happen. middle age. i should be losing my mind right about now......

ad·dic·tion
....compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.
its funny how they don't consider food to be harmful or habit-forming. i know that i am over-rashionalizing this here...but it is a problem. it is an addiction.

Hello, My name is Jeannine and I'm addicted to food.

Wednesday

2006-06-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

breakfast

9am (at work) fruit cup with granola and yogurt, coffee (that i didn't even drink half of cuz is sucked!!) water

noon (at work) tuna sandwhich on ww bread (was kinda dry), water

139pm (at work) 3 muskateer bar, water

145pm (at work) milky way bar, water

(can you say PMS!!!!)

the rest TBA......

later this day,

4pm (in the car) 1 chicken sandwhich from mcdonalds

8pm (at bingo) slice of pizza

Leftover Hell!

2006-06-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else have a problem with leftovers? I can never keep leftovers. it might be sitting in the fridge for a couple of hours after dinner or whatever meal it is...but you can be damn sure that its eaten before i go to bed...or in this case...if im woken up. if i manage to get through a night without waking up i would have been ok. but this is not the case this past night. i was doing fine till i got woken up at 1am by a certain teenager who i love and adore....no names please.....(rolling eyes) anyway.....we had hamburger helper for dinner which the nameless teenager made and was very good but we had leftovers which is fine since she really doesn't eat dinner (this was more of a lunch than dinner...but it was like a late lunch.) and i knew that when she got home she would eat it....which she did...but not all of it. and since i was up....i ate the rest. which wasn't much..but still. i didn't need it. it was just there.

i eat because i can...because its there.

In my defense....i have to say that i have seriously started to take this weight loss journey seriously again. and i even excersised a little bit. since i didn't blog the food yesterday i will just put it here:

Monday

3pm (at home) about 2 cup of hamburger helper cheeseburger macaroni 2 slices of bread.

7pm (at ihop) Southwestern chicken fahita salad which has fahita stuff...onions, peppers, chicken, and salad stuff. the only thing bad in that salad was the dressing and the sour cream which was a spoonfull

coffee/water.

last night while playing canasta online, i did some movements in my chair. enough movements to say that i can feel it in my stomach and arms. ill explain why i did it like this in a min but i did some twisting, simulated sit-ups, i twirled my arms around for a good hour while i played cards.
some might say that i didnt' really do anything and be that as it may, but to me it was something. yo uhave to understand that my body right now is one big cramp waiting to happen. because i haven't really been as active as i should be, whenever i do anything even sleep....i cramp up. my legs especially. i get wicked leg cramps so painful im crying.

just last week i was stuck in a parking lot cuz my calf cramped up so bad i couldn't bend my leg to get into the car. i had to wait it out which was a good half hour. can you imagine having a charlie horse in your calf for a half hour.....well imagine that 10 times worse. so i have to be careful how i move my body. can't really do sudden movements. ive been taking potasium pills (thank you cindy) so im hoping that helps. ive also been taking a daily vitamin in the hopes that that will help me out too. as far as getting the nutrients that i need. and its not just my legs either....i get cramped up in my sides if i turn the wrong way....its all over.

so i did that last night and i will do it every night till im strong enough to to more. little by little. the fact that i can feel the muscle soreness in my arms and stomach lets me know that i did something. so im happy about that. its a start to bigger and better things.
so far today ive had:

2am: (in bed) about a cup and a half of hamburger helper

8am: (in my car) mcdonalds breakfast (the usual)

11:30: (at my desk) coffee, fruit cup

the rest....TBA

Later that day....

430pm (in my car) chicken sandwhich (mcdlds)

6pm (at bingo) Mcdonalds chicken ranch salad

8pm (at bingo) half italian beef with peppers and cheese, potato chips - this was so not necessary but a habit i couldn't ignore. and the salad was small really.

water

Thursday

2006-06-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

8am: (in the car) typical mcdonalds breakfast (see tuesday)
do you really need to see the pic again??

1130am: (at my desk) salad with chicken breast, hb egg, cheese, l/t with lite ranch dressing, marble pound cake (i just can't resist it its that good) and coffee, water.

no pic of that either.....sorry

more later......

later...

7:30 (met Cindy)

I'm not even going to begin to tell you what i consummed (2 plates). i did have a lot of veggies and some fruit.

Confusious say: "You can see a lot just by looking"

I say: "Looking eyes are bigger than stomach"

I was hurtin when we left. omg.....no more buffets for me.

Wednesday

2006-06-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

8am (in the car) usual mcdonalds breakfast (see tuesday)

noon: (at my desk) chicken salad sandwhich, marble pound cake, coffee, water

sorry no pics of the rest...i forgot

5:30 pm: (at bingo) slice of pizza, diet pepsi

8pm: (bingo intermission) slice of chocolate cake, coffee

10:30pm: (at home) Fish sandwhich from Burger King. I needed to stop there to get food for sarah and decided to get one for myself.

thats it for today....

Tuesday

2006-06-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

10:30am (in the car) mcdonalds 2 sausage burrito 2 hashbrowns med diet coke

1:10pm (at work) mediterranean chicken wrap baked lays coffee & water

6:30pm (at bingo)small italian beef with cheese and peppers (no pic) tamale, a cookie & water

10pm (at ihop) (here is where it gets ugly) spinach omelette w/swiss hasbrowns, 2 sausage links, 1 pancake coffee & water at

ok yeah...so i didn't need nor was i hungry for ihop. its a horrible obsession. im addicted to food. ive been thinking about this all day. ive been here before, ive bitched and complained before, you've read it a million times, ive wrote it a trillion times yet.....im still here.

trapped in this body i hate. trapped in this mindset i can't or won't or am scared to change. i feel like im programmed. if food gets offered say yes. maybe i should consider hypnosis. does that really work?? get re-programmed to just say NO!! but then will i starve to death cuz ill say no to food all the time and not eat. what am i so damn afraid of. this has been racking my brain all fucking day. ALL.FUCKING.DAY!!!

while im trying to catch my breath as i squeeze into my car. out of breath from walking 10 feet from my house to my car. sitting there.....trying to breathe. what the fuck am i doing????

i ask myself all the time....why do i want to live like this? why is it so hard to better myself? why do i wish to live in so much pain and suffering? cuz i am in pain and i do suffer but call me out for something to eat and im there.

last week was a pivital moment in my life. after my weight watcher meeting we went for breakfast and i ate a very light dish....egg whites spinach and fruit. not bad right....this was at 9am...we were done by 10. heres the kicker.....i was meeting the roomie and daughter for lunch at 12. 2 hours later. i went right from breakfast to lunch. its sickening. im so disgusted with myself.

there have been worse moments but im already mortified enough.

don't pitty me. i brought this on myself. don't worry about me either....im not dying. im mad as hell is what i am. pissed off for letting it get this far AGAIN!!

im a big fat cow and in a month i have to get on a plane and ill be damned if i go looking and feeling the way i do right at this moment.

thanks for listening

Monday

2006-06-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

ok im going to do this all this week...even if its just to write down what i ate.....here we go.

11am
2 chicken sandwhiches (mcdonalds)
sm diet coke

1pm

salad with turkey, bacon, egg, tomato, lettuce, carrots & dressing

2 liters water

3pm
2 slices of pizza the office brought in and was screaming my name

8pm
2 PBJ sandwhich

11pm
2 packages of cheddar twist (ww snacks 4 point value)

thats it!

Tuesday Menu

2006-06-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

ok so im not really good at blogging my food but i am going to give it a fair try.

breakfast
egg mc muffin
hashbrown
diet coke

lunch
bagel with cream cheese x3 (not all at once....throughout the day)

dinner
orange
2 pt snacks x3
peanuts (1 3/4 oz)

ill put up the points when i get them. this is what i ate today. not the best but im broke so ill take what i can get.

this will get better in time. ill post more pics and have my points and i will take it more seriously. its my birthday so im not expecting to lose much this week as i plan on eating cake and consuming lots of alcohol...lol

Week One

2006-06-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

ok so my first week wasn't so bad. Lost 4.4

i was pretty shocked as i didn't really take it all the seriously this week. i mean...i did cut down on the food i can tell you that. i did drink more water. but i also went drinking and drank a lot of alcohol, i did eat bad foods....but i guess i did something right as i did loose weight.

its funny though cuz even though i did loose, i always think to myself, well....if only......

and that could be just about anything.

if only i didn't eat that PBJ sandwhich just before i left for the meeting i might have lost more...

if only i didn't drink so much that night.....

if only i ate more veggies this week....

if i only joined the Y like i planned too i would have gotten in some excersise....

why can't i just be happy that i lost 4 lbs. even though i know it could have been more....4 lbs is still a great loss.

and i am happy about it. really i am. i had a great weekend and i even walked more than i usually do and was active and had fun.

i feel better.

ive been eating more veggies and less fast food.

more fruit and less junk.

more water.

im going to join the bandwagon with my Kari and Cindy and photoblog my meals and list my food intake and try to count the points as best as i can.

so that is that really. This is the start of my Birthday week so i can't really promise anything. i know its going to be a crazy week simply because im determinded to have fun for my birthday. im going to 40 damit. i want to have fun!

and thats all she wrote!

Never Ending Battle

2006-05-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

so im at it again. saturday its back to weight watchers only this time im doing it with a friend. im also joining the Y which she is already a member too so we will be doing WW and working out together. hopefully.....no i know that this will work this time. she needs the support and i need the kick in the ass and together we'll do this. its how i lost the first time...with a friend. so i know this will work for me.

were going to be going to different place and i only hope that the leader is good. the meetings are on Saturday morning and 9am. that will be a chore in itself to get up at that time on saturday. only good thing about that is that it gives me the opportunity to not sleep the day away. which will be nice. the meeting is located right near the mall, all kinds of shopping, we can do anything afterwards.

im really looking forward to the journey again. im feeling much more motivated that i have in a long time. mainly cuz i hate the way im living right now physically. its really hard to carry this weight around. every day it becomes more and more of a struggle and even though i have friends who would never let this happen and i have my own pride that would never let this happen......but some days i just don't ever want to get up. you hear about those people who get stuck in bed or on sit on the couch and never get up, its where you eat, its where you sleep, its where you relieve yourself.....you know.....i can see how that happens. the older you get the harder it is. grandma was always right. she used to tell me all the time. "lose it now jeannine, don't wait till your older" now i see why. it is harder. and frankly....yeah ok, ill lose weight...but then you have to deal with flab. its not like my skin is going to bounce back. its just going to hang there. so yeah ill be smaller, but ill have all this flab. real attractive.

they have this full length mirror in the bathrooms at work and i see myself walking and woddle. its funny to watch ourself walk. how your body moves. my entire mid-section goes from side to side. its kinda funny. in reality its not. but at the moment....yeah...its funny. i notice my breathing and how walking the short distance from my desk to the bathroom is winding me. i notice that when i walk anywhere im winded. i notice my face how huge my chin is. i hate my chin. i still haven't completely quit smoking either which plays a huge part in my ability to breath. i haven't smoked in 3 weeks until this past week. i have 2 left and don't plan on getting smoking anymore. especially now that i will be working out. it just is not happening. it scares me sometime. when i leave my house and get in my car and i feel like im having a heart attach because i can't breathe.

i notice how people look at me.

its kinda funny how different people are. i know someone who was extrememly overweight. more than i and had the weight loss surgery. however, like most of the universe she didn't realize that you STILL have to diet and excersise and thought that this was a quick fix and it would solve all her problems. shes about 30 to 40% mobile. i know that she weighs more than i do but not by much. she lost a significant amount but still has a good 200 lbs more to lose. my point with this that this woman is one step away from being stuck where she lays. she never walks, never goes out unless it is absolutley nessessary, and when she does move its to another chair, 3 feet away. but yet im able to walk, im able to move, im able to do all these things. yeah its hard and at times hurts like hell and i do struggle with some things, but im mobile. i never want to get to that point where i can't move anymore.

i dont cook at home either. another huge problem in my weight gain. however even though you eat out, you can still make better choices, but lets face it.....who really wants to do that when your sitting in a bbq place and you can smell the ribs, or a steakhouse and the prime rib is screaming your name, or even ihop where the omelets are so damn good. i hardly ever eat the pancakes...does that count?

and then there are the drive thru's. satans little evil game he likes to play on us.

food is everywhere!!! and to someone like me its really hard to look the other way. temptation is everywhere....in your mind you say no but your arms still turn the wheel towards satans little playground and there you are......screaming into this little black box with this colorful sign in front of you with all these yummy little treats......does it ever end? how do you stop it? how do you pass it by when your stomach is growling so bad you feel faint and you still have 30 minutes before you get home?? what do you do??? ignore it? how can I? society wants me to see it. pulls me in no matter how much i fight it. we are an overweight society. some more than others.

ok...enough of this rant. times are changing and so am i. mind, body, and soul.

so once again i begin this journey to weight loss and i begin my journey to happiness and sucess! i begin with a purpose....

to live.

no motivation

2006-02-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

so this is the first meeting ive been too since i rejoined AGAIN. this just isn't working for me. im not giving up but still.....when is it going to click.

im not going to bitch and complain....just random thoughts. i know what im doing wrong...and i know how to make it right.....just getting off my fat lazy ass is the hardest thing ive ever had to do.

why is so easy to be fat?

or is it?

Back in the saddle again.....

2006-02-02T22:28:00.000-08:00

are you as tired of my "new beginnings" as i am??? ok so here i go again. though i have a really good excuse this time....still....i should have/could have made it work for me....but didn't.

so im back at meetings.

if you didn't know....well gee jeannine if you UPDATED some, maybe we would have a clue.....i had a second job that interfered with my meeting days so i had to change it and i just never did and so i let it and myself go for about a month. but i since quit my job and im now back at my thursday night meeting which i truly missed and it was good to be back. part of me was really embarrassed because i feel like i failed and seeing everyone there looking really good....all i kept thinking was that could have been me if i just tried a little harder. but i couldn't let it get to me. i was there....its a start and they were happy to see me. i really love my meeting group. they are a good bunch.

i really let myself myself go. and boy am i feeling it. even though my weigh in was not as bad as i thought it was going to be...still....it was bad enough.

so time to get back on track, get motivated, get moving, and get serious about my health. im not getting any younger and its getting harder to get through the days. so again i say....its time.

i really would love to be down a significant amount of weight before summer hits. it would be nice to be able to sport some shorts outside in daylight....lol. purdy pasty those legs of mine....hasn't seen sun in a mighty long time.....lol

ok...thats about all i got right now. no poor me's, no im such a loser, no bad feelings....just doing it and keeping it real.

and i promise to update more often :o)

SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!!

2005-10-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

well don't actually...don't ever stop me from reaching my goals. I did it again!!!

3.4 lost!! total down.....22 Lbs!! GO FUCKING ME!!!!!! YEAAH!!!

18 more lbs to go to reach my Thanksgiving Day goal of 40 lbs. (my first 10%...yeah go ahead...do the math....i don't care anymore.)

im so proud of myself. i can feel it too. im have so much more movement and flexibilty, im not in so much pain anymore, which is a godsend!! for sure. i still have some..but not nearly as bad as it used to be. the cold weather is messing with me though.

all in all i feel good. and thats all that really matters at this point.

im so happy im giggling like a school girl! tee hee

have a great weekend!
jeannine

Hello Again

2005-10-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

Wow I didn't even realize how long its been since I've updated here. Sorry about that.

Great News!!!

well as you may of may not know, in July I joined weight watchers again.

it took me about 2 months to lose 5 lbs. It was very frustrating. I kept losing and gaining, losing and gaining the same freaking 5 lbs. I was ready to quick.

well 3 weeks ago I lost 7 lbs. I exercised that week....Go figure!! LOL.

so not only did I pass the 5 lb mark I surpassed 10 for a 12lb loss all together. I was thrilled!!!
I couldn't believe it! Well that was all I needed. Ever week since then I've been a loser.

I am now down a total of 18.6 lbs.

GO ME!!!!

I put a goal on the board at WW to achieve my 10% goal by thanksgiving. I have 22 more lbs to go. I WILL SUCCEED!!

so ill keep you posted on my journey more often.....Promise!

have a wonderful day

hugs, genuine

Back Down Again

2005-08-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while here....I keep meaning to update, just haven't.

my meeting last week went well. I lost 3.8 lbs. So I'm back down 5.8 lbs...yay me!!

I had a really great week last week and I'm really proud of my self.

not once did I go to a drive Thru. That is huge!!

then Saturday came and Sarah called me to pick her up in the city and for not reason at all I went to Mickey dees and got my usual. Why I don't know. It was almost like I was a robot, without thinking...I just went, ordered, however I did do something different. I put the bag down in the seat and left it there.

the entire ride there (about an hour) it sat there. I didn't think about it, didn't want it, didn't eat it. When I got off my exit there was a old man (bum) on crutches standing in the middle of the lane, just standing. It was a red light and I happened to be stopped right next to him. He was quiet, didn't bother anybody, just stood there waiting for some one to give him change. So I looked at the bag in my seat, picked it up and handed it to him. He gave me the biggest smile, and thanked me and I went on my way, patting myself on the back. I felt so great.

Sarah and I ended up going to IHOP afterwards where we both had salads. It was so much better than what I had in that bag. That's for sure.

this week I won't be able to get to the meeting because I have an appointment that night to meet with sarah's boss I guess, so ill miss this week. Which is probably best since I don't feel like I did well this week. Mainly because of this weekend. Didn't make the greatest choices over the weekend but so far this week I'm doing ok. Not great....But ok. I also haven't drank as much water as I did last week....And I can feel that too.

little by little, day by day I can feel myself getting better. That is all I care about. Getting better.

my basic day as far as meals go is an egg sandwich for breakfast for which I bought egg whites to make them with. I've been changing it up to adding veggies with it....And ff cheese...Which is yummy.

for lunch I get fruit from the cafeteria and coffee. So I munch on the fruit while working.

and for dinner I have my salad. The roomies laugh at me cuz I put everything in it. When they make dinner, like the other night we had corn on the cob and steak.....I cut the off the corn and cut up the steak and put it in a salad. And that will be my dinner. I change up the meat part. Its easy and its good and it fills me up. So for now that has been my menu. And so far it seems to be working.

except yesterday when I was in my meeting which usually only last an hour, lasted an hour and a half and for that last half hour my stomach started growling in the conference room and I was sooo hoping nobody heard it. I was trying to guzzle my water down so it would fill my tummy......Didn't work. It was a long day for me at work and I was hungry!! LOL

well that's about it. I know there is more to say but I just can't think right now and its really really late. So....Until next time.....

later!

I Believe...

2005-08-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

I believe I haven't updated in a while

I believe its because my weigh in last week wasn't good. I gained 2.4.

I believe that doing the program half-assed is not such a good thing.

I do believe that this week I will be a loser.

I believe that as time goes on this is getting easier and I can feel it.

I also believe that emails from mom are life changing.

I believe in the power of the mind. Its very tricky and can play against you if you let it.

I believe I will not let the devil get in the way of my goals.

I believe that I put a little to much pepper in my salad tonight. HOT!!

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!

I believe that this is the end of my entry! :o)

Not The Brightest Bulb...

2005-08-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so I never claimed to be the most intelligent. Especially when it comes to food.

My first week on the program and I think I did ok. Not great. But ok. The first 2 days were horrible and I just made bad choices. The weekend I did better and the rest of the week went well too even with having money to spend. (money=food) I didn’t go to the cafeteria all week, the only drive thru I was in was this morning for coffee and all in all I did really well. And it showed. I lost 5 lbs.

Now here is where the dumb-ass in me comes in. now in the past on WI day I would not eat or drink a single thing until after the meeting. Which was at 6pm and I was famished by then. But I also knew that my friend and I were going to Subway afterwards so without necessarily pigging out…the sandwich very much satisfied my hunger pangs. So yesterday being weigh in day, I didn’t starve my self all day. I did really good actually. I drank mostly liquids. Coffee in the morning followed by water till about 1pm (the meeting is at 5pm) and I ate about a handful of trail mix, which did very well and kept my stomach satisfied till dinner. So I was thinking I would get Chinese again for dinner. I noticed the last time I went that they had a diet menu and I would order from that. I was thinking I would get chicken with steamed veggies and rice. And that would be a good dinner.

So I go to the meeting, lost 5 lbs, pretty happy about that, I was feeling pretty good physically (somewhat) the meeting was pretty good too. I think I like this group better than the other one. It's a little bigger and the people are more interactive than the later group. So it was all good. Off I go to get dinner. Where it just all fell apart.

I ended up getting sesame chicken with broccoli, rice, egg roll and wantons. (not the largest portions, but a lot nonetheless) I don’t know what happened. So I got home and walked the dog, changed clothes, noticed that I have a new pain now in my left knee. It kinda feels like It's going to come right out of the socket. I’ve tried to “pop” it in place and one time it did (very painfully I might add) so I won’t do that again, but still it doesn’t feel right. It literally feels like I'm going to take a step and my knee will become dislocated. It's not a very good feeling. I’m hoping it goes away. Anyway…..

So I ate it. Not all of it at once. But I ate it. By the end of the night it was all gone.

So today now, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling sluggish, short of breathe, wobbly like. Just bad.

Lesson learned.

Today was a good day. I got coffee this morning, drinking tons of water all day, munching on WW 2 point snacks and some trail mix and I haven’t felt that need to eat yet. Ive been pretty busy at work too so that I'm sure has helped. I drink a lot of water a day so I'm constantly running to the washroom. I'm looking forward to dinner tonight. I think its tacos. I know I have the points for it and I will make sensible choices and eat a sensible portion.

My plan for the weekend is to do some “spring” cleaning as to keep me active and away from that computer chair. I do have to work the phones tonight, which will be hard on my legs, but I need the money. I'm really trying to get in some activity even if it is just cleaning. It's not sitting, which I do way too much and I'm not to happy about it.

I just hope that in time as I lose more weight my pain will go away. I'm sure I have done a fair share of damage to my bones being obese for most of my life; I just really hope that It's not to late. The last thing I need right now are doctor bills.

So have a great weekend and I’ll update soon!

Hugs, Jeannine

I am NOT Hungry!!!

2005-07-31T22:22:00.000-07:00

I find that I have to tell myself this all the time. It’s really sad. All I think about is food. For everything that I do I want to eat something to go with it? It’s like all I think about. I don't get it. How did I get like this? When did this become such an obsession? When did I become an addict? And why can't I stop this.

So my meeting was last Thursday and since then I have been making better food choices. I have been over points I know that.... by 5-10 points. Still within my daily/weekly limit so far, but still eating more points than I should a day. I haven't gone over my weekly limit yet, so I'm doing ok. Portion control is a huge issue. I have no problems eating salads, veggies, the good stuff...but they are just huge in portion. When I say I have a salad...its in a huge bowl, I buy by the bag and I go through half a bag at a time. I wouldn’t be “full” if I didn’t. I think that is part of my issue. I need to feel full and I hardly ever do. Unless of course I've consumed everything in the house. Which can be done. Sad to say. But I don’t. Obviously.

It’s this constant need to eat. It won’t shut up or off. I literally have to ignore myself a lot of times. Especially when I’m driving. By passing all the drive thru’s. There are just so many. As much as I try to even change my route, there still there. But it’s getting easier.

I’m not feeling much of a change. I know it’s only been a few days, but even before I felt different. I’m not feeling different at all. In fact I feel the same if not worse.

I need to get moving. I’ve discovered that I have sever leg & foot swelling especially in my right leg. The foot of the ankle I broke 20 years ago. My left ankle swells but not nearly as much as my right. My leg gets rock hard and my ankle looks the size of a grapefruit.

What has to happen before it finally sinks in?

Is there such a thing as drinking to much water? I consume an enormous amount of water a day. Like over 100oz. It’s that too much? Could that be part of the reason of my swelling? I do use the washroom a lot. And I do try to watch my salt intake.

I guess time will tell. Lets see how this week goes and then next week or I should say…any day now…ill start to do some exercise.

Thanks for reading.

The Pain of it All

2005-07-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

Heel Spurs - first thing I feel when I get out of bed. It takes a minute to walk right.

feet pain - constantly top and bottom

Knees - walking up OR down steps, standing after sitting too long, walking for a while, hurts.

back ache - after walking a short distance or sitting too long

ankle swelling - after sitting for too long my ankles swell to the size of grapefruits at times

leg swelling - after stilling for too long my lower legs (calves) are rock hard swollen

ibrophen is my best friend.

I'm not going to complain about here cuz its my own fault. I did this to myself....Nobody did it for me. I control what I put in my mouth. My whole life I've been fat/obese. You would think I like living like this. Maybe I do. I know I don't. Who would want to live with so much pain??

I rejoined weight watchers again tonight. Its been a very emotional day for me all around. I sat there at the meeting....Last chair, last row, feeling very alone. alone with my thoughts. Its been a rough day all around with Sarah leaving for college , so I sat there fighting my tears. One, because she's gone and two because I'm here again. Here where I swore I would never be again. I did this too me.

I couldn't believe the number that came up on the scale. I can't even fix my fingers to type it.

so I have a long journey ahead.

Back Again

2005-05-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

well its been a mighty long time since ive been here and well.....its been that long since ive done anything even remotely weight conscious. or even thought about losing weight. since all i have been able to accomplish these days is gaining.

ive been trying to get moving....in my head its right there....and ready. my body however has a mind of its own and doesn't want to do shit about it. you would think that i like living in so much pain. cuz that is how i live. in pain. from my back down to my feet.....i live on pain pills. they don't work anymore. my back aches, my hips hurt, my legs are so swollen and i have heal spurs plus feet ache. my knees are the worse of it. so much pain there i can' t even tell you. if i were to see a doctor today im sure he would tell me that i would have to have knee replacements they are so bad.

i used to be able to say that i don't feel as big as i am because i never did. it would shock me when i see my relextion and i would be amazed that that person is me cuz i never felt that big. i was way to active for someone my size. had way to much energy. but today....nowadays.....im 40 going on 80. my pace is slow. walking and breathing is a chore. but i manage. i try. just not hard enough. i get by. thats about it.

so what do i do? when is it going to be time? when am i going to wake up?

so many questions......

Weigh-In Week......I lost track.....

2004-12-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

I think its week 7. I lost track like with everything else. I gained last week but lost this week so that makes up for most of my gain. The meeting after thanksgiving I skipped. I didn't want to but I worked the day after and didn't get home till almost 1am after working a 16 hour day and so I never made it. My meeting is at 7:30 am and there was no way I was moving from under those covers. The next week I gained 7 lbs. Expected.

this week I lost 5. So I'm good to go. I'm not trying to make excuses but the holiday season with work is really hard. I feel like I'm never home. I think I saw my roomie today for the first time this whole week. I do this to myself every year. I just can't say no to overtime. Its just to good to pass up. But that's another journal.

so my food choices have not been the greatest. I haven't had a whole lot of fast food stuff, for the most part I bagged my lunch still...But it was a turkey sandwich and snack stuff. I had pizza one day and nachos another (I ran out of lunch meat) and on Friday we had a Mexican pot luck at work which was really good. I think on Tuesday I actually sat down and had a meal with everyone. And only once this week on my way home did I stop and get McDonald chicken sandwich.

it could have been a hell of lot worse and to lose 5 lbs this week, I'm happy about that. Even though I might not be following the program 100%, its always there in my head.

tonight we take the roomie out for her birthday dinner. Were going to Olive Garden and that should be really yummy. So I'm looking forward to that. I love going out with my friends. We don't really do to much together anymore except the birthday thing. We used to more but I guess life has just gotten in the way as the kids get older.

heh...I just got the most interesting letter in the mail today. LOL all I have to SAY is.......Simply Brilliant!!!!

ok peeps....Gotta split
have a good weekend
hugs, jeannine

Weigh In Week 5

2004-11-25T09:19:00.000-08:00

well im a bit late on this entry but i figured while im thinking about it...let me post it.

i lost 4 more lbs!!!!

GO ME!!!

im feeling pretty good too. im feeling it more and more each day. some days more than others but i feel it. 12 lbs might not seem like a lot but for me its all the difference in the world. the only part of me that really hurts right now is my heel spurs. they suck!!! it was pretty bad for a day or so but now they are letting up a bit. i had to get new shoes and now sarah just gave me heel supports for my shoes so that should help a lot.

other than that i will be going to the meeting this saturday and have another update then. it will interesting to see which way it goes after today.

Happy Thanksgiving To Everyone!!!

Love & Hugs
Jeannine

Weigh-In Week 4

2004-11-13T11:49:00.000-08:00

No weigh in today. I skipped it. I did horrible this week. I think the gain from last week subconsciously played in my mind and though I had good intentions...By Friday I didn't care. This week was a really bad week at work too. Fighting with my boss for some space at work for all these damn packages and him giving me space and then cutting it in half really took a toll on my nerves and I ate.

Friday we had another luncheon and I ate.

Friday I worked a double and ate some more.

it was just a bad deal. So bad that I didn't want to even face the scale.

however it has passed and I will move on from here and today is a brand new day and I will overcome. Back to journaling everything. Counting points and doing it right.

I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL AGAIN!!

I'm going to rest this weekend. I have been working my self crazy and not getting enough sleep to boot. I think that that is one of my problems. Not enough rest. I've also been sick.

overworked + not enough sleep + weather change = sick

but its getting better. I've been trying to kick it out of my system but at times its a bitch. I've got this cough that is the most annoying and I'm talking through my nose....It seems. I hate it. I feel like I'm screaming but you can hardly hear me. I lost my voice too for a day. That was interesting.

so now I'm off to take a shower and being the day.

have a good weekend everyone

Weigh In - Week 3

2004-11-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't do so hot this week. I gained 2 lbs. But I expected it. I ate more towards the end of the week than I should have. We also had this amazing pot luck at work. We call it Pot Luck Around The World. Every month we feature a different country. Yesterday was Italy. Yummy. So needless to say being the Italian that I am....I enjoyed all the dishes. And there were plenty. Good too. I was impressed. Next month is going to be Mexico. mmmm

so the weight gain was expected. I was hoping to be the same but that didn't happen. Its all good. I know next week will be better. I'm not disappointed in myself or anything like that. I'm on a mission and I know my goals and I intend to get there.

we only went to curves once this week. I will be going more this week I know that. Sarah has 3 days off this week so we will definitely be going then. So that will be good. I also know that there is another luncheon on Friday so I need to prepare for that. Its going to be chicken so I know that I won't be over doing it. I won't over do it. That's better.....

ok...Well until next time. Have a good weekend.
hugs, jeannine

Weigh-in Week 2

2004-10-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Still going strong....3 more pounds gone. So total weight lost is now 10.4!! GO ME!!

its funny though, I was a bit nervous going today. I didn't think I would lose cuz this week was kinda iffy. I journaled all week but I went over points two days and I only did curves for 2 days. But I guess I did something right cuz I still managed to lose. This week I plan on doing better.

I'm feeling ok. These last 3 days I've been feeling really crappy. I don't know if its from the food choices I've been making or the lack of exercise or the weather or what....I've just been feeling like shit. And very tired.

even today....I got up at 7 to go to the meeting and when I got home I laid down for about an hour till Sarah got up and then I was up until she went to work at 1:30. I was getting a serious headache so I took a strong pain pill that knocked me out and when she got home from work she woke me up and I felt so much better. (tylenol 3 if you wondering)

so we made dinner since the rest of the house was gone and we've been working on this glow in the dark puzzle that were just about finished with and and tomorrow were going to church.

more on that later....

have a good weekend
jeannine

Hey I didn't know I had muscles there????

2004-10-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Week two and its going pretty good. I'm not as strict as I should be with food but its not bad either. I'm always within points. I'm trying not to to use my flex points but that is not working yet. I'll get there.

Curves has been good. We started on Monday and went again on Tuesday. Today we didn't go cuz she had to work. We decided that we will go whenever she doesn't have to work. She works mostly on the weekends and maybe one or two days a week so that is a good plan. So Thursday, Friday and after the meeting on Saturday were going to go and Sunday its closed so there's a day off. She really likes it a lot so she's motivated to go. I think too cuz the money comes out of her account...Makes her want to do it more. heh

so I'm happy to finally say.....I'm exercising!!!! yayayay

its amazing how much better I feel in the short amount of time. I'm on my second week and already I don't hurt as much. My feet still hurt but that is mostly because of heel spurs that I developed recently. What a pain in the butt that is...Ugh.

but I feel really good. And still quiet proud. Lets see how it going on Saturday.

have a good week
jeannine

Weigh In Day - Week 1

2004-10-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day...Lost 7 lbs!! YEAH for me!!!

yesterday wasn't my typical "day before weigh-in" type of day meaning that I ate more than usual before a weigh in. But I did really good the entire week. I did use my flex points and yesterday was the only day I actually went over. Bad day to do that...But ah well. I felt good all week. I felt the loss too and the difference in my body. I took my lunch with me every day except Thursday and I didn't stop at any fast food place at all. We had our dinners planned out for the week so we already knew what we were having and who was cooking and that was tremendously great. I really like knowing what's for dinner and knowing that there is a person actually scheduled to make it. The roomie and I split the week up. And I think it worked out really well. I carefully journaled and tracked my points and drank my water and I'm quite proud of my success.

last night Sarah and I went for dinner and I had a chicken salad cold plate which is a scoop of chicken salad and a scoop of cottage cheese and a plate full of fruit. It was really yummy.

yesterday we also joined Curves!!! Finally!!! I'm really excited and scared. I know its going to be really really hard at first but I'm going to do it. No now I truly have no excuse. Both Sarah and the roomie are members so I'll always have someone to go with. Also...This is coming out of sarahs check so ill be sure to not let her down. This is going to be a great thing...For all of us.

well that is my update here. There is more on my other site if you want to check out the rest of my day.....

have a good week!!
hugs, jeannine

First Day

2004-10-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

(this was written at 11am)

6:30 am. Saturday. I'm awake.

knowing that this is a good thing for me and I really need to do this, in my head...I'm still cursing cuz ITS SATURDAY DAMIT!!!

so I'm in the shower trying to wake up thinking about what's to come and I'm getting exciting about it. Going through the list of things to do since I'm up so freaking early I might as well make it worthwhile and change the routine a bit (like my attempt last week) and hopefully not have any major downfalls this weekend.

clean the bathroom
do the dishes
make breakfast for Sarah and I
walk the dog
do laundry
vacuum the bedroom
pick up the living room
return the movies
clean this desk
take a nap
see a doctor about wrist

I can say that the first 4 are already done and I'm thinking about skipping down to that nap cuz I'm really sleepy right now. I was going to wait till about 2 to lay down and just get up when Sarah got home from work at 4:30 but I think I'm going to get it over with now so that I'm refreshed later.

the weather is starting to chill. It feels good. I too am with Bonnie on the cool weather. I love it. I would so much rather be cold and be able to put something on to warm up then it be a hundred freaking humid degrees and not be able to take something OFF!!! and even if I was able to take it all off (like say if nobody was home) your still hot and sticky. So bring it on cold front....I'm ready!

now if I can only find that damn coat. Do I even have one??? Ugh

back to my day....

so its 7:20 and the roomie and I are out the door and on our way to weight watchers. It might not have seemed it since it was 7:30 and I've yet to have breakfast OR coffee....So even though I might have looked like I was not so thrilled to be there....I was. Very excited.

the weigh in........379

it wasn't a major shock cuz I pretty much knew the number since my scale at home was pretty close to it, but that's the number. They talked about that new turn around program, but I'm sticking with flex points. I like it so much better and you can choose which one you want to do so I was happy about that. I'm hoping to reach my 10% in 4 weeks. That's my goal. (That's 37 lbs for those of you who don't know) 10 lbs a week I know might seem a lot for some....But for me it was pretty easy the first time and if I stick to it like I plan and will do.....Its a pretty good possiblility that it will happen. And yes...I will be eating all my points and following the program. I am not starving myself to get to that goal...Trust me on that. I'm not in a hurry....Just want to be steady and focused and ready for the crunch.

so That's me today.

A New Day

2004-10-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry I must say...I'm doing a lot better. Sometimes you just need to get slapped by reality and that does the trick.

A big huge thank you to all of you who have emailed, called, and intervened...LOL. The support is just overwhelming and I can't thank you enough. You know who you are.

I have to say...Falling through the stairs is a real eye opener. Since that day I feel like I have been living on the outside looking in. Having an outer body thing...Make sense? Its hard to explain. I used to say that I don't feel as big as I am and now I see myself as who I am. Its hard to explain.

I received a really wonderful email from a fellow journaler who shared an experience, almost the same experience and it was just nice to know that I am not alone. I talked to my mom who proceeded to yell at me through IM and at the end was laughing and that was really nice. My roomie called me at work and told me that "were talking" when I got home on Monday. I have to say....It was one of the most helpful. I have that motivation again. Its not as strong or obsessive as it was the first time but its there. I can feel it.

I'm joining weight watchers again.
I'm also going to attend TOPS meetings. I think ill need that support group atmosphere and they have meeting a few times a week. I'm getting information on this tomorrow.

this week has been a good one so far. It was a real struggle at first but I haven't seen McDonald's all week. I've been having breakfast at home and bagging my lunch and eating dinner at home. I just stepped on the scale (at 8pm after eating dinner) and it says 371.

I must be doing something right.

so the journey begins again and I'm looking forward to the outcome, the ups and downs and the going to the support groups.

I'm looking forward to living again.

thank you again everyone. I love you all!
hugs, jeannine

Good Day Gone Bad. True Confessions.....

2004-10-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

Thursday forecast called for rain. It was cloudy looking like any minute it was going to pour but did not. Well not until that night anyway, but the entire day I kept telling people (people who came to me as asked me if I was ok) that "I'm really feeling my age today" and I was.

the entire day was nothing but pain. My back, my legs, my knees, my hips, my feet did nothing but hurt all. Day. Long. It didn't matter how many pain pills I took..Nothing worked. My day was slow paced and just miserable. I literally came home from work around 5pm, took a pain pill, hit the bed and didn't wake up till the next morning. Since it rained through the night, Friday was a much better day. The only thing that hurt was this damn corn I have on my little toe that is most annoying.

last night (Friday) Sarah went to get her hair braided, so we went to this lady's house and sat there for 8 hours while she was getting this done. After about 2 hours I asked her (Sarah) if she was hungry and she said yes (since we didn't eat dinner) and I proceeded to take orders. I was more than happy to do so cuz I was bored and needed to get out. Getting stiff too from sitting in front of her computer that she was having trouble with so I kept myself busy with that. (it was a complete mess and needs to be restored if your interested in knowing) so White Castle was the food of choice and so there I went.

everyday it's becoming more and more of a struggle to do things. I have a very small car. My very big body in this very small car doesn't make for a comfy drive. But I deal. So after getting gas and going home to get a few things I go to WC. Drive thru. Placed the orders and then mine. I got myself 10 cheeseburgers with the intention of eating them before I get back to the house. That was/is my mind set these days. Ordering food for the drive home. Then getting home and eating dinner. I'm embarrassed to even type this but it has to be done. cuz nobody knows just how much I really do eat. So the drive back to the house is no more than 15 minutes and I proceeded to start eating. I had two left when I got back to the house making it look like that was all I got for myself. Its pretty sad.

Hi my name is Jeannine and I'm a food-aholic.

McDonald's has become my best friend. I stop there almost every morning for breakfast which would be the number 3 with an extra hash brown and orange juice which will be eaten in the ten minutes remaining of my drive for work. You would think it stopped there right....No. Every morning at 7am (my routine) when I get to work I start my day with a cup of coffee and a sweet Danish type thing from the vending machine. Its come to the point that if I don't have this, I'm a bit cranky. But it still doesn't end there. At 9am (my first break) I go the the snack bar and again.....Have breakfast. Usually some sort of breakfast sandwich or a BLT whatever is available. Mind you I'm no where near hungry but I'm there. At 11 I go to lunch. And again......Eat. This time its what ever is available that day. Usually pizza or nachos, sandwiches...Whatever. The point is I've been eating all morning and still......Two hours after having my second breakfast.....Am eating again.

I don't really eat again for the rest of the day. I drink a lot of water throughout the day cuz I buy a large drink and use the cup for water for the rest of the day which works for me. And then 4pm comes and I'm heading home with the inevitable stop at McDonald's for my 2 chicken sandwiches that will be consumed in the 15 minute drive home. Once home...Either dinner is made and I/we eat or we go out to eat. We don't normally have dinner here every night like normal people....I would say that maybe twice a week someone cooks....Usually the roomie.....And there are times when its 10/11pm and were out getting something. Its an ugly pattern. One that I'm having a really hard time breaking.

back to Sarah's hair appointment......

so were sitting there and the lady has a huge 51" TV that's on MTV and they are showing reruns of the show True Life. This particular show is called I am Obese. Its about a 17 yr old boy and a 27 yr of girl struggling with weight. The boy is 381, the girl is almost 600 lbs with a disease in her legs that I can't remember the name but basically her legs are blown up the skin literally folds over her ankles. The show is basically about the gastric bypass surgery that she got and he hopes to get.

I'm sitting there and I'm watching this boy go through his day and its similar to mine. Now I don't get the verbal abuse he gets but the shame is there. The shame of knowing what is going through there minds everytime someone looks at you. So I decided that that was not going to be me. I was not going to be ashamed anymore of who I am and once and for all I'm going to get off my ass and do something and I did. I made a plan.

the plan was...Not to sleep in and get up with Sarah, and my goal for the day was to rake the backyard. Since she had to go to work early I would get up with her (instead of sleeping the day away which is what I usually do) take my shower, get dressed, have a little breakfast and I did just that. I got up, showered, made myself some eggs with toast and juice, put on my sweats and like I planned, got the dog and raked the yard. We have a very long big backyard that was just covered in leaves and I thought it would be a great way to be active, use some muscle I haven't used in a long time, and have a clean yard. Buster and Rocco got to spend the day outside. It was a beautiful fall day, the weather was perfect and after about an hour of straight raking I decided to take a break. So I took a seat and decided to call a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time and we talked for a very long time. Mel and I used to talk all the time back in the day when I was a true Weight Watcher. She was my online buddy at first and then became a really good friend. Till this day we have never met in person but I look forward to the day when we do...And we will soon enough. But anyway....We talked about a lot of things and I was telling her about how I was feeling and pretty much come to the conclusion that I am depressed. Which is possible. I'm almost 40 and I have nothing to show for it...But that's another entry. Anyway the talk was good and I was feeling good, my heart was pumping and my muscles were sore from the work and it felt good. So good that i ate breakfast at 11'ish and "forgot to eat" all day and it was almost 5pm when I was done. It took me in total about 2 hours to rake the yard, Mel and I talked for a really long time and I walked buster around after I was done. So it was a really productive day and I was proud of myself.

then my roomie came home with friends and they were shopping and getting ready to grill which was cool but I just really wanted to rest for a little while cuz Sarah was about to come home and there was talk about going to the haunted house tonight so I wanted to rest. And then it happened.

I was going down the steps and one caved in and I fell through.

now lucky for me there are boxes under that particular step and it stopped me from falling through completely and I was able to get out of that situation, but the damage was done. That being my pride.

I didn't have any physical pain at the time so I knew nothing was broken and it was after letting my roomie know what happened I spent a good amount of time sitting on my bed crying. crying not from being hurt but from everything coming to a head with weight. All the "what if's" starting forming in my head.....Like what if that box wasn't there and I did fall through...How would I get out? Who would help me? I stepped on the scale tonight after all this and it said 380. Who's gone lift that? My roomie who is this little bitty thing??? Her friend who is pregnant?? The kids??? I would have been stuck there until emergency units come to "rescue" me. All I kept seeing was this....

today's headlines: "400 lb woman falls through a flight of stairs and it takes a crane to get her out"

I was just mortified. The step was fixed relatively quickly and a few others were reinforced. Seems the stairs weren't "done right" but regardless......The damage is done.

*segway*

You know its funny...I'm sitting here thinking about my drives home after work and you know what goes through my mind when I'm eating those sandwiches...........Wondering if this is the sandwich that is going to give me that heartattach. Or is this the sandwich that is going to choke me while I'm driving. Like I'm just waiting for this to happen!!!! What the hell is my problem!!!!!

I know its going to happen sooner or later. Going back to my small car.....Just getting into it and getting situated gets me winded. Just like that 17 yr old kid only his car is bigger.

well thats about all i can handle right now. im not sure what the purpose of all this is.......its not for sympathy, thats for sure. maybe to show people that this could be anybody. everyone thinks im so happy go lucky and all smiles and on the outside i am...but inside.....im just not that person. i haven't been in a long time and i miss her so much.

to be continued....................................................one day.

Another entry

2004-09-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

Well this seemed like a great idea at the start. I really thought I would write more here. I guess I will as time goes on. I got on the scale the other day and it was not good. I'm really disappointed in myself.

this used to be so easy. How did it get so hard. Why?

questions that seem to never have answers. I think I'm going through mid life crisis. There is so much I want to do but can't figure out how. Life is really getting tough to handle. I'm not complaining. I don't think my life is horrible by any means. I have a job (that I want to change) I roof over my head (that I wish was mine instead of renting), a great kid (who will most likely leave for college) friends (that I hardly ever see) and a great family (that I never see and miss dearly)

and there you have it. I just realized that were approaching October. This could be the reason why my mind is at a standstill. Not a very pleasant month for me as I lost both my dad and my grandmother in the month of October. And I'm not saying its a bad month...It just makes me sad. This could be the reason. Yah think!

well anyways...Back to my fat.....Sarah and I are talking about joining Curves. Most likely in the near future. I would really like to do this. Hopefully we can get on that sooner than later. Perhaps that will kick start into a new mindset for me.

its getting cold and this isn't much of a "feedbag" type entry. I should have written all this in my other journal. Ah well....

see yah next time.....

The Bet

2004-09-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Well I told you about Sarah and I having this little bet...Well it was a dead heat. I think that is the right term.....We both lost 5 lbs. LOL...So nobody won. I'm thinking though.....Since we both were ready to lose some cash for this bet that we should put it together and get the TV that we want. We'll see.

since she's been gone I really have been pretty lazy about eating. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a few while she was gone. We'll see.

nothing to exciting going on here. I'm feeling pretty good these days actually. Still uncomfortable in my own skin about my weight, but not like.....Really upset about it. Perhaps cuz I've lost a few ....Who knows.

something my friend Maria told me the other night at my birthday dinner which you can read about here if you want, was that it's all on me now. They did what they could and now its up to me.

true that.

only I can make this happen and nobody can do it for me, so I best to get off my ass and so something and stop complaining, right.

right...........

I'll update ya on how that is working for me.

have a good one!

I don't' even know what to say to this....

2004-08-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

There are several journals that I read, one imparticular I went to today simply because I haven't read him in a while so I thought I would catch up. He's a brilliant writer, just recently published his own book about his life and losing weight. You might have heard of him.

Anyway....He only wrote one entry so far in august (which is strange) and it would seem fit that I read it today, of all days.

here it is for those interested.

I find it very disturbing that we as people, human beings could let this happen to one of our own. I feel so childish now because of my little episode earlier when that woman could have easily been me. And its not. It never will be either. Its people like that that need the help. Not me. I know what to do. Obviously she didn't. I have help and obviously she didn't. I'm sitting here asking the same questions Fred did. What was she thinking that first day when she sat down and decided she was never getting up again. How did that happen?? And where was her family?? Her husband?? Her neighbors?? Anybody!!

I wish I could reach out to every person who is trapped by there own body and show them that just because they are that size doesn't mean they can't move.

I don't' know what the hell I'm saying. I'm just in shock. Because I know that that woman could have easily been me had I not had people in my life that cared about me.

and now its too late for her.

in memory of Gayle

Reality Slap

2004-08-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

I know there is nobody I can blame for my weight but me, but damit I want to blame somebody. I hate what I have done to myself. And I can't believe I did it. Why would I do this?? Who would want to live like this? Not me. So it must be somebody's fault, right? Somebody wants me to live in this miserable body. Somebody wants me to hurt all the time. Somebody wants me to be limited in life. It has to be somebody cuz I would never do this to myself, right?

Wrong.

We're doing yard work today. More specifically, were putting in drain tile for the sump pump so it pumps out to the back yard and not the front. 2 weeks ago they dug up the back yard and made a trench for the drain tile and today we ran the tile and proceeded to cover it back up with the dirt that they dug up. Running the hose and doing the connections, no problem. Covering it back up.....Major problem.

I thought my arms were going to fall off after just a few times of moving the dirt into the trench. I really felt the strain and felt how just out of shape I am. The lack of exercise in my life really showed itself today. It shows itself everyday but in my head.....Its ok cuz "one day" ill get started.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. This brings me back to that day 2 years ago when I was sitting at my desk talking on the phone with my mom asking her how she did it/does it. Where does it all come from. Why did I lose that drive I had and why the fuck am I here again??? I'm really angry at myself right now and the tears are just streaming cuz I'm so mad right now I can't even control my emotions. When we were outside I had to stop and catch my breath. Sarah asked me if I was ok and I told her no. Not because I was hurting from the work but because I was mad at myself for letting it get so far out of control. I have no control.

I eat because I can, because its there.

what is it going to take to get that shit out of my head and become focused on what I really want. Why is it so hard to start? Why do I want to live like this? WHY! WHY!! WHY!!!

why do I ask so many questions that I know the answers too?

I realized today just how limited I am. I help my roomie connect some of the tile. Now I don't know if anyone of you guys ever did this but its most definitely a two or three person job. Especially if those people really don't know what they are doing but watched enough home fix it shows to wing it. So my roomie was kneeling, I was connecting (I have the strength) and Sarah was helping hold the tile. The tubing had to be lifted out of the trench cuz "I can't get down that far" (I actually said this) to make the connections. Limited.

I have to move the seat all the way back in my car and the steering wheel has to go all the up because otherwise I don't fit. Limited

I have to make sure there are no handles on most chairs cuz otherwise I won't fit. Limited.

I have to make sure I don't get any bigger cuz otherwise I won't be able to wipe my ass. LIMITED!!! (I've been there before folks...Its not fun)

I don't even know where to begin anymore. I get tired just thinking about it. All I want to do is crawl into bed with the cover over my head and cry till the world goes away.

I need motivation.

I need something.

I need to stop complaining.

I need to start doing something.

I need to pee.

Thanks for reading.

A Good Day!

2004-08-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today is the start of my 4 day weekend and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm also feeling good today. Not as much aches and pains as usual, a little tired but not falling out tired.

I didn't overdo it in the food dept either. Today I ate a breakfast sandwich for breakfast, nachos for lunch and a turkey burger for dinner oh and turkey and cheese sandwich as a before dinner snack cuz I thought I was going to faint when I got home from work.

the only thing I can think that I did different was that I drank more water than usual today. Major difference. I remember when I did that all the time and remember how good I felt too when I did. I used to live with a water bottle in my hand. Drink one after the other. Now it seems I'm discouraged to drink a lot for the simple fact that going to the bathroom is a hassle. Its pure laziness really. I live in a house. In the basement. The bathroom is upstairs. Because my knees are so bad and its painful.....I don't drink anything after a certain time cuz then I'm up and down all night and I really hate that.

one cuz I'm fat and it hurts
two cuz I feel like I'm going to wake up everyone in the house.

but mainly cuz I'm fat and it hurts. I'm hoping that sometime down the road we can get a bathroom built down here so that I can continue to drink the water that I want too. My system needs it.........Bad.

I think that tomorrow I'm going to weight my self and keep track here and every Saturday morning I will weight myself and see what kind of progress I make. LOL...My mom asked me how my walking program was going. LOL....I told her that I walk everyday....LOL just might not call it a "program". I know she wanted to slap me right then and there....heh.

I'm going to make this happen if it kills me...............

...And it begins

2004-08-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

Monday morning and already.....UGH!!!

I bought a new pair of jeans last paycheck cuz my old jeans that I wear to work have developed holes and I needed to get a new pair. Now I bought these jeans a while ago (about 10 lbs ago) and so I got the same size thinking......Well not thinking at all for that matter.

to damn tight!! When I first put them on (last Monday) I was scared cuz I had a hard time getting them closed. All day long I was suffering until they stretched out some (but not enough) and so every since I've been just irritated with my self cuz I wasn't thinking when I bought these jeans.

so this week....When I get paid again....I buy another pair of jeans. The next size up. Not very happy about that...But to prevent future suffering....I think ill manage.

for those of you curious minds. My jeans are a 32 now. Bad deal.

WELCOME TO MY MADNESS

2004-08-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

i can almost promise you that this will be filled with wonderful entries of me moaning, groaning, griping, complaining, perhaps some inspiring messages but for the most part.....me just being miserable and fat.

fun all around, doncha think.

Thanks for reading!!

Good Luck!!