Reality Slap

I know there is nobody I can blame for my weight but me, but damit I want to blame somebody. I hate what I have done to myself. And I can't believe I did it. Why would I do this?? Who would want to live like this? Not me. So it must be somebody's fault, right? Somebody wants me to live in this miserable body. Somebody wants me to hurt all the time. Somebody wants me to be limited in life. It has to be somebody cuz I would never do this to myself, right?

Wrong.

We're doing yard work today. More specifically, were putting in drain tile for the sump pump so it pumps out to the back yard and not the front. 2 weeks ago they dug up the back yard and made a trench for the drain tile and today we ran the tile and proceeded to cover it back up with the dirt that they dug up. Running the hose and doing the connections, no problem. Covering it back up.....Major problem.

I thought my arms were going to fall off after just a few times of moving the dirt into the trench. I really felt the strain and felt how just out of shape I am. The lack of exercise in my life really showed itself today. It shows itself everyday but in my head.....Its ok cuz "one day" ill get started.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. This brings me back to that day 2 years ago when I was sitting at my desk talking on the phone with my mom asking her how she did it/does it. Where does it all come from. Why did I lose that drive I had and why the fuck am I here again??? I'm really angry at myself right now and the tears are just streaming cuz I'm so mad right now I can't even control my emotions. When we were outside I had to stop and catch my breath. Sarah asked me if I was ok and I told her no. Not because I was hurting from the work but because I was mad at myself for letting it get so far out of control. I have no control.

I eat because I can, because its there.

what is it going to take to get that shit out of my head and become focused on what I really want. Why is it so hard to start? Why do I want to live like this? WHY! WHY!! WHY!!!

why do I ask so many questions that I know the answers too?

I realized today just how limited I am. I help my roomie connect some of the tile. Now I don't know if anyone of you guys ever did this but its most definitely a two or three person job. Especially if those people really don't know what they are doing but watched enough home fix it shows to wing it. So my roomie was kneeling, I was connecting (I have the strength) and Sarah was helping hold the tile. The tubing had to be lifted out of the trench cuz "I can't get down that far" (I actually said this) to make the connections. Limited.

I have to move the seat all the way back in my car and the steering wheel has to go all the up because otherwise I don't fit. Limited

I have to make sure there are no handles on most chairs cuz otherwise I won't fit. Limited.

I have to make sure I don't get any bigger cuz otherwise I won't be able to wipe my ass. LIMITED!!! (I've been there before folks...Its not fun)

I don't even know where to begin anymore. I get tired just thinking about it. All I want to do is crawl into bed with the cover over my head and cry till the world goes away.

I need motivation.

I need something.

I need to stop complaining.

I need to start doing something.

I need to pee.

Thanks for reading.