Good Day Gone Bad. True Confessions.....
Thursday forecast called for rain. It was cloudy looking like any minute it was going to pour but did not. Well not until that night anyway, but the entire day I kept telling people (people who came to me as asked me if I was ok) that "I'm really feeling my age today" and I was.
the entire day was nothing but pain. My back, my legs, my knees, my hips, my feet did nothing but hurt all. Day. Long. It didn't matter how many pain pills I took..Nothing worked. My day was slow paced and just miserable. I literally came home from work around 5pm, took a pain pill, hit the bed and didn't wake up till the next morning. Since it rained through the night, Friday was a much better day. The only thing that hurt was this damn corn I have on my little toe that is most annoying.
last night (Friday) Sarah went to get her hair braided, so we went to this lady's house and sat there for 8 hours while she was getting this done. After about 2 hours I asked her (Sarah) if she was hungry and she said yes (since we didn't eat dinner) and I proceeded to take orders. I was more than happy to do so cuz I was bored and needed to get out. Getting stiff too from sitting in front of her computer that she was having trouble with so I kept myself busy with that. (it was a complete mess and needs to be restored if your interested in knowing) so White Castle was the food of choice and so there I went.
everyday it's becoming more and more of a struggle to do things. I have a very small car. My very big body in this very small car doesn't make for a comfy drive. But I deal. So after getting gas and going home to get a few things I go to WC. Drive thru. Placed the orders and then mine. I got myself 10 cheeseburgers with the intention of eating them before I get back to the house. That was/is my mind set these days. Ordering food for the drive home. Then getting home and eating dinner. I'm embarrassed to even type this but it has to be done. cuz nobody knows just how much I really do eat. So the drive back to the house is no more than 15 minutes and I proceeded to start eating. I had two left when I got back to the house making it look like that was all I got for myself. Its pretty sad.
Hi my name is Jeannine and I'm a food-aholic.
McDonald's has become my best friend. I stop there almost every morning for breakfast which would be the number 3 with an extra hash brown and orange juice which will be eaten in the ten minutes remaining of my drive for work. You would think it stopped there right....No. Every morning at 7am (my routine) when I get to work I start my day with a cup of coffee and a sweet Danish type thing from the vending machine. Its come to the point that if I don't have this, I'm a bit cranky. But it still doesn't end there. At 9am (my first break) I go the the snack bar and again.....Have breakfast. Usually some sort of breakfast sandwich or a BLT whatever is available. Mind you I'm no where near hungry but I'm there. At 11 I go to lunch. And again......Eat. This time its what ever is available that day. Usually pizza or nachos, sandwiches...Whatever. The point is I've been eating all morning and still......Two hours after having my second breakfast.....Am eating again.
I don't really eat again for the rest of the day. I drink a lot of water throughout the day cuz I buy a large drink and use the cup for water for the rest of the day which works for me. And then 4pm comes and I'm heading home with the inevitable stop at McDonald's for my 2 chicken sandwiches that will be consumed in the 15 minute drive home. Once home...Either dinner is made and I/we eat or we go out to eat. We don't normally have dinner here every night like normal people....I would say that maybe twice a week someone cooks....Usually the roomie.....And there are times when its 10/11pm and were out getting something. Its an ugly pattern. One that I'm having a really hard time breaking.
back to Sarah's hair appointment......
so were sitting there and the lady has a huge 51" TV that's on MTV and they are showing reruns of the show True Life. This particular show is called I am Obese. Its about a 17 yr old boy and a 27 yr of girl struggling with weight. The boy is 381, the girl is almost 600 lbs with a disease in her legs that I can't remember the name but basically her legs are blown up the skin literally folds over her ankles. The show is basically about the gastric bypass surgery that she got and he hopes to get.
I'm sitting there and I'm watching this boy go through his day and its similar to mine. Now I don't get the verbal abuse he gets but the shame is there. The shame of knowing what is going through there minds everytime someone looks at you. So I decided that that was not going to be me. I was not going to be ashamed anymore of who I am and once and for all I'm going to get off my ass and do something and I did. I made a plan.
the plan was...Not to sleep in and get up with Sarah, and my goal for the day was to rake the backyard. Since she had to go to work early I would get up with her (instead of sleeping the day away which is what I usually do) take my shower, get dressed, have a little breakfast and I did just that. I got up, showered, made myself some eggs with toast and juice, put on my sweats and like I planned, got the dog and raked the yard. We have a very long big backyard that was just covered in leaves and I thought it would be a great way to be active, use some muscle I haven't used in a long time, and have a clean yard. Buster and Rocco got to spend the day outside. It was a beautiful fall day, the weather was perfect and after about an hour of straight raking I decided to take a break. So I took a seat and decided to call a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time and we talked for a very long time. Mel and I used to talk all the time back in the day when I was a true Weight Watcher. She was my online buddy at first and then became a really good friend. Till this day we have never met in person but I look forward to the day when we do...And we will soon enough. But anyway....We talked about a lot of things and I was telling her about how I was feeling and pretty much come to the conclusion that I am depressed. Which is possible. I'm almost 40 and I have nothing to show for it...But that's another entry. Anyway the talk was good and I was feeling good, my heart was pumping and my muscles were sore from the work and it felt good. So good that i ate breakfast at 11'ish and "forgot to eat" all day and it was almost 5pm when I was done. It took me in total about 2 hours to rake the yard, Mel and I talked for a really long time and I walked buster around after I was done. So it was a really productive day and I was proud of myself.
then my roomie came home with friends and they were shopping and getting ready to grill which was cool but I just really wanted to rest for a little while cuz Sarah was about to come home and there was talk about going to the haunted house tonight so I wanted to rest. And then it happened.
I was going down the steps and one caved in and I fell through.
now lucky for me there are boxes under that particular step and it stopped me from falling through completely and I was able to get out of that situation, but the damage was done. That being my pride.
I didn't have any physical pain at the time so I knew nothing was broken and it was after letting my roomie know what happened I spent a good amount of time sitting on my bed crying. crying not from being hurt but from everything coming to a head with weight. All the "what if's" starting forming in my head.....Like what if that box wasn't there and I did fall through...How would I get out? Who would help me? I stepped on the scale tonight after all this and it said 380. Who's gone lift that? My roomie who is this little bitty thing??? Her friend who is pregnant?? The kids??? I would have been stuck there until emergency units come to "rescue" me. All I kept seeing was this....
today's headlines: "400 lb woman falls through a flight of stairs and it takes a crane to get her out"
I was just mortified. The step was fixed relatively quickly and a few others were reinforced. Seems the stairs weren't "done right" but regardless......The damage is done.
*segway*
You know its funny...I'm sitting here thinking about my drives home after work and you know what goes through my mind when I'm eating those sandwiches...........Wondering if this is the sandwich that is going to give me that heartattach. Or is this the sandwich that is going to choke me while I'm driving. Like I'm just waiting for this to happen!!!! What the hell is my problem!!!!!
I know its going to happen sooner or later. Going back to my small car.....Just getting into it and getting situated gets me winded. Just like that 17 yr old kid only his car is bigger.
well thats about all i can handle right now. im not sure what the purpose of all this is.......its not for sympathy, thats for sure. maybe to show people that this could be anybody. everyone thinks im so happy go lucky and all smiles and on the outside i am...but inside.....im just not that person. i haven't been in a long time and i miss her so much.
to be continued....................................................one day.
the entire day was nothing but pain. My back, my legs, my knees, my hips, my feet did nothing but hurt all. Day. Long. It didn't matter how many pain pills I took..Nothing worked. My day was slow paced and just miserable. I literally came home from work around 5pm, took a pain pill, hit the bed and didn't wake up till the next morning. Since it rained through the night, Friday was a much better day. The only thing that hurt was this damn corn I have on my little toe that is most annoying.
last night (Friday) Sarah went to get her hair braided, so we went to this lady's house and sat there for 8 hours while she was getting this done. After about 2 hours I asked her (Sarah) if she was hungry and she said yes (since we didn't eat dinner) and I proceeded to take orders. I was more than happy to do so cuz I was bored and needed to get out. Getting stiff too from sitting in front of her computer that she was having trouble with so I kept myself busy with that. (it was a complete mess and needs to be restored if your interested in knowing) so White Castle was the food of choice and so there I went.
everyday it's becoming more and more of a struggle to do things. I have a very small car. My very big body in this very small car doesn't make for a comfy drive. But I deal. So after getting gas and going home to get a few things I go to WC. Drive thru. Placed the orders and then mine. I got myself 10 cheeseburgers with the intention of eating them before I get back to the house. That was/is my mind set these days. Ordering food for the drive home. Then getting home and eating dinner. I'm embarrassed to even type this but it has to be done. cuz nobody knows just how much I really do eat. So the drive back to the house is no more than 15 minutes and I proceeded to start eating. I had two left when I got back to the house making it look like that was all I got for myself. Its pretty sad.
Hi my name is Jeannine and I'm a food-aholic.
McDonald's has become my best friend. I stop there almost every morning for breakfast which would be the number 3 with an extra hash brown and orange juice which will be eaten in the ten minutes remaining of my drive for work. You would think it stopped there right....No. Every morning at 7am (my routine) when I get to work I start my day with a cup of coffee and a sweet Danish type thing from the vending machine. Its come to the point that if I don't have this, I'm a bit cranky. But it still doesn't end there. At 9am (my first break) I go the the snack bar and again.....Have breakfast. Usually some sort of breakfast sandwich or a BLT whatever is available. Mind you I'm no where near hungry but I'm there. At 11 I go to lunch. And again......Eat. This time its what ever is available that day. Usually pizza or nachos, sandwiches...Whatever. The point is I've been eating all morning and still......Two hours after having my second breakfast.....Am eating again.
I don't really eat again for the rest of the day. I drink a lot of water throughout the day cuz I buy a large drink and use the cup for water for the rest of the day which works for me. And then 4pm comes and I'm heading home with the inevitable stop at McDonald's for my 2 chicken sandwiches that will be consumed in the 15 minute drive home. Once home...Either dinner is made and I/we eat or we go out to eat. We don't normally have dinner here every night like normal people....I would say that maybe twice a week someone cooks....Usually the roomie.....And there are times when its 10/11pm and were out getting something. Its an ugly pattern. One that I'm having a really hard time breaking.
back to Sarah's hair appointment......
so were sitting there and the lady has a huge 51" TV that's on MTV and they are showing reruns of the show True Life. This particular show is called I am Obese. Its about a 17 yr old boy and a 27 yr of girl struggling with weight. The boy is 381, the girl is almost 600 lbs with a disease in her legs that I can't remember the name but basically her legs are blown up the skin literally folds over her ankles. The show is basically about the gastric bypass surgery that she got and he hopes to get.
I'm sitting there and I'm watching this boy go through his day and its similar to mine. Now I don't get the verbal abuse he gets but the shame is there. The shame of knowing what is going through there minds everytime someone looks at you. So I decided that that was not going to be me. I was not going to be ashamed anymore of who I am and once and for all I'm going to get off my ass and do something and I did. I made a plan.
the plan was...Not to sleep in and get up with Sarah, and my goal for the day was to rake the backyard. Since she had to go to work early I would get up with her (instead of sleeping the day away which is what I usually do) take my shower, get dressed, have a little breakfast and I did just that. I got up, showered, made myself some eggs with toast and juice, put on my sweats and like I planned, got the dog and raked the yard. We have a very long big backyard that was just covered in leaves and I thought it would be a great way to be active, use some muscle I haven't used in a long time, and have a clean yard. Buster and Rocco got to spend the day outside. It was a beautiful fall day, the weather was perfect and after about an hour of straight raking I decided to take a break. So I took a seat and decided to call a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time and we talked for a very long time. Mel and I used to talk all the time back in the day when I was a true Weight Watcher. She was my online buddy at first and then became a really good friend. Till this day we have never met in person but I look forward to the day when we do...And we will soon enough. But anyway....We talked about a lot of things and I was telling her about how I was feeling and pretty much come to the conclusion that I am depressed. Which is possible. I'm almost 40 and I have nothing to show for it...But that's another entry. Anyway the talk was good and I was feeling good, my heart was pumping and my muscles were sore from the work and it felt good. So good that i ate breakfast at 11'ish and "forgot to eat" all day and it was almost 5pm when I was done. It took me in total about 2 hours to rake the yard, Mel and I talked for a really long time and I walked buster around after I was done. So it was a really productive day and I was proud of myself.
then my roomie came home with friends and they were shopping and getting ready to grill which was cool but I just really wanted to rest for a little while cuz Sarah was about to come home and there was talk about going to the haunted house tonight so I wanted to rest. And then it happened.
I was going down the steps and one caved in and I fell through.
now lucky for me there are boxes under that particular step and it stopped me from falling through completely and I was able to get out of that situation, but the damage was done. That being my pride.
I didn't have any physical pain at the time so I knew nothing was broken and it was after letting my roomie know what happened I spent a good amount of time sitting on my bed crying. crying not from being hurt but from everything coming to a head with weight. All the "what if's" starting forming in my head.....Like what if that box wasn't there and I did fall through...How would I get out? Who would help me? I stepped on the scale tonight after all this and it said 380. Who's gone lift that? My roomie who is this little bitty thing??? Her friend who is pregnant?? The kids??? I would have been stuck there until emergency units come to "rescue" me. All I kept seeing was this....
today's headlines: "400 lb woman falls through a flight of stairs and it takes a crane to get her out"
I was just mortified. The step was fixed relatively quickly and a few others were reinforced. Seems the stairs weren't "done right" but regardless......The damage is done.
*segway*
You know its funny...I'm sitting here thinking about my drives home after work and you know what goes through my mind when I'm eating those sandwiches...........Wondering if this is the sandwich that is going to give me that heartattach. Or is this the sandwich that is going to choke me while I'm driving. Like I'm just waiting for this to happen!!!! What the hell is my problem!!!!!
I know its going to happen sooner or later. Going back to my small car.....Just getting into it and getting situated gets me winded. Just like that 17 yr old kid only his car is bigger.
well thats about all i can handle right now. im not sure what the purpose of all this is.......its not for sympathy, thats for sure. maybe to show people that this could be anybody. everyone thinks im so happy go lucky and all smiles and on the outside i am...but inside.....im just not that person. i haven't been in a long time and i miss her so much.
to be continued....................................................one day.
posted by Jae | 10/09/2004 08:48:00 PM
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