I don't' even know what to say to this....

There are several journals that I read, one imparticular I went to today simply because I haven't read him in a while so I thought I would catch up. He's a brilliant writer, just recently published his own book about his life and losing weight. You might have heard of him.

Anyway....He only wrote one entry so far in august (which is strange) and it would seem fit that I read it today, of all days.

here it is for those interested.

I find it very disturbing that we as people, human beings could let this happen to one of our own. I feel so childish now because of my little episode earlier when that woman could have easily been me. And its not. It never will be either. Its people like that that need the help. Not me. I know what to do. Obviously she didn't. I have help and obviously she didn't. I'm sitting here asking the same questions Fred did. What was she thinking that first day when she sat down and decided she was never getting up again. How did that happen?? And where was her family?? Her husband?? Her neighbors?? Anybody!!

I wish I could reach out to every person who is trapped by there own body and show them that just because they are that size doesn't mean they can't move.

I don't' know what the hell I'm saying. I'm just in shock. Because I know that that woman could have easily been me had I not had people in my life that cared about me.

and now its too late for her.

in memory of Gayle

Reality Slap

I know there is nobody I can blame for my weight but me, but damit I want to blame somebody. I hate what I have done to myself. And I can't believe I did it. Why would I do this?? Who would want to live like this? Not me. So it must be somebody's fault, right? Somebody wants me to live in this miserable body. Somebody wants me to hurt all the time. Somebody wants me to be limited in life. It has to be somebody cuz I would never do this to myself, right?

Wrong.

We're doing yard work today. More specifically, were putting in drain tile for the sump pump so it pumps out to the back yard and not the front. 2 weeks ago they dug up the back yard and made a trench for the drain tile and today we ran the tile and proceeded to cover it back up with the dirt that they dug up. Running the hose and doing the connections, no problem. Covering it back up.....Major problem.

I thought my arms were going to fall off after just a few times of moving the dirt into the trench. I really felt the strain and felt how just out of shape I am. The lack of exercise in my life really showed itself today. It shows itself everyday but in my head.....Its ok cuz "one day" ill get started.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. This brings me back to that day 2 years ago when I was sitting at my desk talking on the phone with my mom asking her how she did it/does it. Where does it all come from. Why did I lose that drive I had and why the fuck am I here again??? I'm really angry at myself right now and the tears are just streaming cuz I'm so mad right now I can't even control my emotions. When we were outside I had to stop and catch my breath. Sarah asked me if I was ok and I told her no. Not because I was hurting from the work but because I was mad at myself for letting it get so far out of control. I have no control.

I eat because I can, because its there.

what is it going to take to get that shit out of my head and become focused on what I really want. Why is it so hard to start? Why do I want to live like this? WHY! WHY!! WHY!!!

why do I ask so many questions that I know the answers too?

I realized today just how limited I am. I help my roomie connect some of the tile. Now I don't know if anyone of you guys ever did this but its most definitely a two or three person job. Especially if those people really don't know what they are doing but watched enough home fix it shows to wing it. So my roomie was kneeling, I was connecting (I have the strength) and Sarah was helping hold the tile. The tubing had to be lifted out of the trench cuz "I can't get down that far" (I actually said this) to make the connections. Limited.

I have to move the seat all the way back in my car and the steering wheel has to go all the up because otherwise I don't fit. Limited

I have to make sure there are no handles on most chairs cuz otherwise I won't fit. Limited.

I have to make sure I don't get any bigger cuz otherwise I won't be able to wipe my ass. LIMITED!!! (I've been there before folks...Its not fun)

I don't even know where to begin anymore. I get tired just thinking about it. All I want to do is crawl into bed with the cover over my head and cry till the world goes away.

I need motivation.

I need something.

I need to stop complaining.

I need to start doing something.

I need to pee.

Thanks for reading.

A Good Day!

Today is the start of my 4 day weekend and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm also feeling good today. Not as much aches and pains as usual, a little tired but not falling out tired.

I didn't overdo it in the food dept either. Today I ate a breakfast sandwich for breakfast, nachos for lunch and a turkey burger for dinner oh and turkey and cheese sandwich as a before dinner snack cuz I thought I was going to faint when I got home from work.

the only thing I can think that I did different was that I drank more water than usual today. Major difference. I remember when I did that all the time and remember how good I felt too when I did. I used to live with a water bottle in my hand. Drink one after the other. Now it seems I'm discouraged to drink a lot for the simple fact that going to the bathroom is a hassle. Its pure laziness really. I live in a house. In the basement. The bathroom is upstairs. Because my knees are so bad and its painful.....I don't drink anything after a certain time cuz then I'm up and down all night and I really hate that.

one cuz I'm fat and it hurts
two cuz I feel like I'm going to wake up everyone in the house.

but mainly cuz I'm fat and it hurts. I'm hoping that sometime down the road we can get a bathroom built down here so that I can continue to drink the water that I want too. My system needs it.........Bad.

I think that tomorrow I'm going to weight my self and keep track here and every Saturday morning I will weight myself and see what kind of progress I make. LOL...My mom asked me how my walking program was going. LOL....I told her that I walk everyday....LOL just might not call it a "program". I know she wanted to slap me right then and there....heh.

I'm going to make this happen if it kills me...............

...And it begins

Monday morning and already.....UGH!!!

I bought a new pair of jeans last paycheck cuz my old jeans that I wear to work have developed holes and I needed to get a new pair. Now I bought these jeans a while ago (about 10 lbs ago) and so I got the same size thinking......Well not thinking at all for that matter.

to damn tight!! When I first put them on (last Monday) I was scared cuz I had a hard time getting them closed. All day long I was suffering until they stretched out some (but not enough) and so every since I've been just irritated with my self cuz I wasn't thinking when I bought these jeans.

so this week....When I get paid again....I buy another pair of jeans. The next size up. Not very happy about that...But to prevent future suffering....I think ill manage.

for those of you curious minds. My jeans are a 32 now. Bad deal.

WELCOME TO MY MADNESS

i can almost promise you that this will be filled with wonderful entries of me moaning, groaning, griping, complaining, perhaps some inspiring messages but for the most part.....me just being miserable and fat.

fun all around, doncha think.

Thanks for reading!!

Good Luck!!