I am NOT Hungry!!!

I find that I have to tell myself this all the time. It’s really sad. All I think about is food. For everything that I do I want to eat something to go with it? It’s like all I think about. I don't get it. How did I get like this? When did this become such an obsession? When did I become an addict? And why can't I stop this.

So my meeting was last Thursday and since then I have been making better food choices. I have been over points I know that.... by 5-10 points. Still within my daily/weekly limit so far, but still eating more points than I should a day. I haven't gone over my weekly limit yet, so I'm doing ok. Portion control is a huge issue. I have no problems eating salads, veggies, the good stuff...but they are just huge in portion. When I say I have a salad...its in a huge bowl, I buy by the bag and I go through half a bag at a time. I wouldn’t be “full” if I didn’t. I think that is part of my issue. I need to feel full and I hardly ever do. Unless of course I've consumed everything in the house. Which can be done. Sad to say. But I don’t. Obviously.

It’s this constant need to eat. It won’t shut up or off. I literally have to ignore myself a lot of times. Especially when I’m driving. By passing all the drive thru’s. There are just so many. As much as I try to even change my route, there still there. But it’s getting easier.

I’m not feeling much of a change. I know it’s only been a few days, but even before I felt different. I’m not feeling different at all. In fact I feel the same if not worse.

I need to get moving. I’ve discovered that I have sever leg & foot swelling especially in my right leg. The foot of the ankle I broke 20 years ago. My left ankle swells but not nearly as much as my right. My leg gets rock hard and my ankle looks the size of a grapefruit.

What has to happen before it finally sinks in?

Is there such a thing as drinking to much water? I consume an enormous amount of water a day. Like over 100oz. It’s that too much? Could that be part of the reason of my swelling? I do use the washroom a lot. And I do try to watch my salt intake.

I guess time will tell. Lets see how this week goes and then next week or I should say…any day now…ill start to do some exercise.

Thanks for reading.

The Pain of it All

Heel Spurs - first thing I feel when I get out of bed. It takes a minute to walk right.

feet pain - constantly top and bottom

Knees - walking up OR down steps, standing after sitting too long, walking for a while, hurts.

back ache - after walking a short distance or sitting too long

ankle swelling - after sitting for too long my ankles swell to the size of grapefruits at times

leg swelling - after stilling for too long my lower legs (calves) are rock hard swollen

ibrophen is my best friend.

I'm not going to complain about here cuz its my own fault. I did this to myself....Nobody did it for me. I control what I put in my mouth. My whole life I've been fat/obese. You would think I like living like this. Maybe I do. I know I don't. Who would want to live with so much pain??

I rejoined weight watchers again tonight. Its been a very emotional day for me all around. I sat there at the meeting....Last chair, last row, feeling very alone. alone with my thoughts. Its been a rough day all around with Sarah leaving for college , so I sat there fighting my tears. One, because she's gone and two because I'm here again. Here where I swore I would never be again. I did this too me.

I couldn't believe the number that came up on the scale. I can't even fix my fingers to type it.

so I have a long journey ahead.