Superfluity

so im looking in the mirror today and i have this flashback memory thing happen where im standing on the bus on my way to school with my friend and at the bus stop there is this very large (300+lbs), very hot (it was summer in NY), very uncomfortable looking woman i would say in her late 30's possibly older wearing this flower "moo moo" type dress flip flops where you can see just how swollen her ankles are because of how big she is and me saying to my friend, "if i ever get that big, just shoot me."

its a good thing were not friends anymore......

how naive of me to think that that couldn't happen to me. granted i wouldn't be caught dead in a dress of that nature but still....i am that big. i am obese. i am obese? i AM obese!

according to Webster....

obese :
excessively fat

so i look up Fat and got this...

fat :
animal tissue consisting chiefly of cells distended with greasy or oily matter2 a : oily or greasy matter making up the bulk of adipose tissue and often abundant in seeds b : any of numerous compounds of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen that are glycerides of fatty acids, are the chief constituents of plant and animal fat, are a major class of energy-rich food, and are soluble in organic solvents but not in water c : a solid or semisolid fat as distinguished from an oil3 : the best or richest part4 : OBESITY5 : something in excess : SUPERFLUITY

Superfluity?? curiousity got the best of me.......

1 a : EXCESS, OVERSUPPLY b : something unnecessary or superfluous2 : immoderate and especially luxurious living, habits, or desires

so there you have it! I am no longer obese....I am Superfluity!!!

sounds a lot better doncha think!

so ive been doing really well i think. its been two days now and i have not stopped at mcdonalds for breakfast or anything for that matter and that is huge! ive been eating more salads and less fast foods and when i do go to fast food i get a salad.

a great big part of this whole process is money too. im broke this week so i won't go to theses places simply because i don't have the money to go. but will that stop once i get paid again. i think that i would give it a good try. i mean...ive been doing really well. considering what i could have done. honestly...its hard to do a lot of things now. im not comfortable. ive reached that threshold. rock bottom.

i know what my limits are. when i can't walk without hurting, or breathing normally its a problem. have you ever felt your body when you walk?? have you ever looked at yourself walking? its amazing the difference between what you think and what is real. for example....(and i believe that this is one of reasons why im superfluity (heh) is because i never used to FEEL how i look. i always felt smaller that what i really am and its not until im passing a windo or looking in a full length mirror that i really see what i look like and every time im shocked and amazed by this person in the mirror thinking...is that really me???

well now....i feel how i look. i see myself all the time thanks to this full length mirror in the bathrooms here at work and i see myself walking towards it and i SEE how big i really am and i SEE how my body shifts the weight around and i SEE the wobble and i understand now why i get those looks of horror when i pass people who see me. and i FEEL everything. its amazing. it sucks...but its amazing just how much the body puts up with for you. ive been fat all my life...gradually getting bigger and bigger. i never really was "skinny" to the publics eye. although now i look at pics of me when i was a teenager and i see how small i was.....and back then was still considered fat.....i wish i was that fat again....LOL. its funny cuz even when i lost all that weight years ago....i still felt like i was before i lost the weight.

so yeah...now my body is tired. tired of carrying this weight around and its letting me know in so many ways and ive just been ignoring it. i just keep putting the weight on like someone else suffers from it. granted we all suffer on many levels, i know my friends worry about me, i know my family worries about me. everybody worries. how come im not worried? i do worry. but not enough to scare me. i should be scared. im at an age right now that anything could happen. middle age. i should be losing my mind right about now......

ad·dic·tion
....compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.
its funny how they don't consider food to be harmful or habit-forming. i know that i am over-rashionalizing this here...but it is a problem. it is an addiction.

Hello, My name is Jeannine and I'm addicted to food.