Tuesday

10:30am (in the car) mcdonalds 2 sausage burrito 2 hashbrowns med diet coke








1:10pm (at work) mediterranean chicken wrap baked lays coffee & water

6:30pm (at bingo)small italian beef with cheese and peppers (no pic) tamale, a cookie & water

10pm (at ihop) (here is where it gets ugly) spinach omelette w/swiss hasbrowns, 2 sausage links, 1 pancake coffee & water at

ok yeah...so i didn't need nor was i hungry for ihop. its a horrible obsession. im addicted to food. ive been thinking about this all day. ive been here before, ive bitched and complained before, you've read it a million times, ive wrote it a trillion times yet.....im still here.

trapped in this body i hate. trapped in this mindset i can't or won't or am scared to change. i feel like im programmed. if food gets offered say yes. maybe i should consider hypnosis. does that really work?? get re-programmed to just say NO!! but then will i starve to death cuz ill say no to food all the time and not eat. what am i so damn afraid of. this has been racking my brain all fucking day. ALL.FUCKING.DAY!!!

while im trying to catch my breath as i squeeze into my car. out of breath from walking 10 feet from my house to my car. sitting there.....trying to breathe. what the fuck am i doing????

i ask myself all the time....why do i want to live like this? why is it so hard to better myself? why do i wish to live in so much pain and suffering? cuz i am in pain and i do suffer but call me out for something to eat and im there.

last week was a pivital moment in my life. after my weight watcher meeting we went for breakfast and i ate a very light dish....egg whites spinach and fruit. not bad right....this was at 9am...we were done by 10. heres the kicker.....i was meeting the roomie and daughter for lunch at 12. 2 hours later. i went right from breakfast to lunch. its sickening. im so disgusted with myself.

there have been worse moments but im already mortified enough.

don't pitty me. i brought this on myself. don't worry about me either....im not dying. im mad as hell is what i am. pissed off for letting it get this far AGAIN!!

im a big fat cow and in a month i have to get on a plane and ill be damned if i go looking and feeling the way i do right at this moment.

thanks for listening