Back Again

well its been a mighty long time since ive been here and well.....its been that long since ive done anything even remotely weight conscious. or even thought about losing weight. since all i have been able to accomplish these days is gaining.

ive been trying to get moving....in my head its right there....and ready. my body however has a mind of its own and doesn't want to do shit about it. you would think that i like living in so much pain. cuz that is how i live. in pain. from my back down to my feet.....i live on pain pills. they don't work anymore. my back aches, my hips hurt, my legs are so swollen and i have heal spurs plus feet ache. my knees are the worse of it. so much pain there i can' t even tell you. if i were to see a doctor today im sure he would tell me that i would have to have knee replacements they are so bad.

i used to be able to say that i don't feel as big as i am because i never did. it would shock me when i see my relextion and i would be amazed that that person is me cuz i never felt that big. i was way to active for someone my size. had way to much energy. but today....nowadays.....im 40 going on 80. my pace is slow. walking and breathing is a chore. but i manage. i try. just not hard enough. i get by. thats about it.

so what do i do? when is it going to be time? when am i going to wake up?

so many questions......