Thursday's Food intake

ok since i haven't posted any pics in a while...here they are

today i brought a ream of crackers to munch on
for breakfast and they day really and coffee















this was my lunch. chicken salad sandwich,
cup of brocolli soup and carrots and celery
and of course the never ending supply of water














for dinner we had stroganoff made with turkey meat which i didnt' take a pic of sorry. it was ok.

i won't eat again today. its 8pm and im going to try and not eat anything after 8pm. drink more water thats about it.

i wrote another really long entry today that comes after this one called Superfluity. I was in deep thought today...LOL

Have a great day!!

Superfluity

so im looking in the mirror today and i have this flashback memory thing happen where im standing on the bus on my way to school with my friend and at the bus stop there is this very large (300+lbs), very hot (it was summer in NY), very uncomfortable looking woman i would say in her late 30's possibly older wearing this flower "moo moo" type dress flip flops where you can see just how swollen her ankles are because of how big she is and me saying to my friend, "if i ever get that big, just shoot me."

its a good thing were not friends anymore......

how naive of me to think that that couldn't happen to me. granted i wouldn't be caught dead in a dress of that nature but still....i am that big. i am obese. i am obese? i AM obese!

according to Webster....

obese :
excessively fat

so i look up Fat and got this...

fat :
animal tissue consisting chiefly of cells distended with greasy or oily matter2 a : oily or greasy matter making up the bulk of adipose tissue and often abundant in seeds b : any of numerous compounds of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen that are glycerides of fatty acids, are the chief constituents of plant and animal fat, are a major class of energy-rich food, and are soluble in organic solvents but not in water c : a solid or semisolid fat as distinguished from an oil3 : the best or richest part4 : OBESITY5 : something in excess : SUPERFLUITY

Superfluity?? curiousity got the best of me.......

1 a : EXCESS, OVERSUPPLY b : something unnecessary or superfluous2 : immoderate and especially luxurious living, habits, or desires

so there you have it! I am no longer obese....I am Superfluity!!!

sounds a lot better doncha think!

so ive been doing really well i think. its been two days now and i have not stopped at mcdonalds for breakfast or anything for that matter and that is huge! ive been eating more salads and less fast foods and when i do go to fast food i get a salad.

a great big part of this whole process is money too. im broke this week so i won't go to theses places simply because i don't have the money to go. but will that stop once i get paid again. i think that i would give it a good try. i mean...ive been doing really well. considering what i could have done. honestly...its hard to do a lot of things now. im not comfortable. ive reached that threshold. rock bottom.

i know what my limits are. when i can't walk without hurting, or breathing normally its a problem. have you ever felt your body when you walk?? have you ever looked at yourself walking? its amazing the difference between what you think and what is real. for example....(and i believe that this is one of reasons why im superfluity (heh) is because i never used to FEEL how i look. i always felt smaller that what i really am and its not until im passing a windo or looking in a full length mirror that i really see what i look like and every time im shocked and amazed by this person in the mirror thinking...is that really me???

well now....i feel how i look. i see myself all the time thanks to this full length mirror in the bathrooms here at work and i see myself walking towards it and i SEE how big i really am and i SEE how my body shifts the weight around and i SEE the wobble and i understand now why i get those looks of horror when i pass people who see me. and i FEEL everything. its amazing. it sucks...but its amazing just how much the body puts up with for you. ive been fat all my life...gradually getting bigger and bigger. i never really was "skinny" to the publics eye. although now i look at pics of me when i was a teenager and i see how small i was.....and back then was still considered fat.....i wish i was that fat again....LOL. its funny cuz even when i lost all that weight years ago....i still felt like i was before i lost the weight.

so yeah...now my body is tired. tired of carrying this weight around and its letting me know in so many ways and ive just been ignoring it. i just keep putting the weight on like someone else suffers from it. granted we all suffer on many levels, i know my friends worry about me, i know my family worries about me. everybody worries. how come im not worried? i do worry. but not enough to scare me. i should be scared. im at an age right now that anything could happen. middle age. i should be losing my mind right about now......

ad·dic·tion
....compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.
its funny how they don't consider food to be harmful or habit-forming. i know that i am over-rashionalizing this here...but it is a problem. it is an addiction.

Hello, My name is Jeannine and I'm addicted to food.

Wednesday

breakfast

9am (at work) fruit cup with granola and yogurt, coffee (that i didn't even drink half of cuz is sucked!!) water

noon (at work) tuna sandwhich on ww bread (was kinda dry), water

139pm (at work) 3 muskateer bar, water

145pm (at work) milky way bar, water

(can you say PMS!!!!)

the rest TBA......

later this day,

4pm (in the car) 1 chicken sandwhich from mcdonalds

8pm (at bingo) slice of pizza

Leftover Hell!

Does anyone else have a problem with leftovers? I can never keep leftovers. it might be sitting in the fridge for a couple of hours after dinner or whatever meal it is...but you can be damn sure that its eaten before i go to bed...or in this case...if im woken up. if i manage to get through a night without waking up i would have been ok. but this is not the case this past night. i was doing fine till i got woken up at 1am by a certain teenager who i love and adore....no names please.....(rolling eyes) anyway.....we had hamburger helper for dinner which the nameless teenager made and was very good but we had leftovers which is fine since she really doesn't eat dinner (this was more of a lunch than dinner...but it was like a late lunch.) and i knew that when she got home she would eat it....which she did...but not all of it. and since i was up....i ate the rest. which wasn't much..but still. i didn't need it. it was just there.

i eat because i can...because its there.

In my defense....i have to say that i have seriously started to take this weight loss journey seriously again. and i even excersised a little bit. since i didn't blog the food yesterday i will just put it here:

Monday

3pm (at home) about 2 cup of hamburger helper cheeseburger macaroni 2 slices of bread.

7pm (at ihop) Southwestern chicken fahita salad which has fahita stuff...onions, peppers, chicken, and salad stuff. the only thing bad in that salad was the dressing and the sour cream which was a spoonfull

coffee/water.

last night while playing canasta online, i did some movements in my chair. enough movements to say that i can feel it in my stomach and arms. ill explain why i did it like this in a min but i did some twisting, simulated sit-ups, i twirled my arms around for a good hour while i played cards.
some might say that i didnt' really do anything and be that as it may, but to me it was something. yo uhave to understand that my body right now is one big cramp waiting to happen. because i haven't really been as active as i should be, whenever i do anything even sleep....i cramp up. my legs especially. i get wicked leg cramps so painful im crying.

just last week i was stuck in a parking lot cuz my calf cramped up so bad i couldn't bend my leg to get into the car. i had to wait it out which was a good half hour. can you imagine having a charlie horse in your calf for a half hour.....well imagine that 10 times worse. so i have to be careful how i move my body. can't really do sudden movements. ive been taking potasium pills (thank you cindy) so im hoping that helps. ive also been taking a daily vitamin in the hopes that that will help me out too. as far as getting the nutrients that i need. and its not just my legs either....i get cramped up in my sides if i turn the wrong way....its all over.

so i did that last night and i will do it every night till im strong enough to to more. little by little. the fact that i can feel the muscle soreness in my arms and stomach lets me know that i did something. so im happy about that. its a start to bigger and better things.
so far today ive had:

2am: (in bed) about a cup and a half of hamburger helper

8am: (in my car) mcdonalds breakfast (the usual)

11:30: (at my desk) coffee, fruit cup

the rest....TBA

Later that day....

430pm (in my car) chicken sandwhich (mcdlds)

6pm (at bingo) Mcdonalds chicken ranch salad

8pm (at bingo) half italian beef with peppers and cheese, potato chips - this was so not necessary but a habit i couldn't ignore. and the salad was small really.

water

Thursday

8am: (in the car) typical mcdonalds breakfast (see tuesday)
do you really need to see the pic again??

1130am: (at my desk) salad with chicken breast, hb egg, cheese, l/t with lite ranch dressing, marble pound cake (i just can't resist it its that good) and coffee, water.

no pic of that either.....sorry

more later......

later...

7:30 (met Cindy)














I'm not even going to begin to tell you what i consummed (2 plates). i did have a lot of veggies and some fruit.















Confusious say: "You can see a lot just by looking"

I say: "Looking eyes are bigger than stomach"

I was hurtin when we left. omg.....no more buffets for me.

Wednesday

8am (in the car) usual mcdonalds breakfast (see tuesday)














noon: (at my desk) chicken salad sandwhich, marble pound cake, coffee, water





























sorry no pics of the rest...i forgot

5:30 pm: (at bingo) slice of pizza, diet pepsi

8pm: (bingo intermission) slice of chocolate cake, coffee

10:30pm: (at home) Fish sandwhich from Burger King. I needed to stop there to get food for sarah and decided to get one for myself.

thats it for today....

Tuesday

10:30am (in the car) mcdonalds 2 sausage burrito 2 hashbrowns med diet coke








1:10pm (at work) mediterranean chicken wrap baked lays coffee & water

6:30pm (at bingo)small italian beef with cheese and peppers (no pic) tamale, a cookie & water

10pm (at ihop) (here is where it gets ugly) spinach omelette w/swiss hasbrowns, 2 sausage links, 1 pancake coffee & water at

ok yeah...so i didn't need nor was i hungry for ihop. its a horrible obsession. im addicted to food. ive been thinking about this all day. ive been here before, ive bitched and complained before, you've read it a million times, ive wrote it a trillion times yet.....im still here.

trapped in this body i hate. trapped in this mindset i can't or won't or am scared to change. i feel like im programmed. if food gets offered say yes. maybe i should consider hypnosis. does that really work?? get re-programmed to just say NO!! but then will i starve to death cuz ill say no to food all the time and not eat. what am i so damn afraid of. this has been racking my brain all fucking day. ALL.FUCKING.DAY!!!

while im trying to catch my breath as i squeeze into my car. out of breath from walking 10 feet from my house to my car. sitting there.....trying to breathe. what the fuck am i doing????

i ask myself all the time....why do i want to live like this? why is it so hard to better myself? why do i wish to live in so much pain and suffering? cuz i am in pain and i do suffer but call me out for something to eat and im there.

last week was a pivital moment in my life. after my weight watcher meeting we went for breakfast and i ate a very light dish....egg whites spinach and fruit. not bad right....this was at 9am...we were done by 10. heres the kicker.....i was meeting the roomie and daughter for lunch at 12. 2 hours later. i went right from breakfast to lunch. its sickening. im so disgusted with myself.

there have been worse moments but im already mortified enough.

don't pitty me. i brought this on myself. don't worry about me either....im not dying. im mad as hell is what i am. pissed off for letting it get this far AGAIN!!

im a big fat cow and in a month i have to get on a plane and ill be damned if i go looking and feeling the way i do right at this moment.

thanks for listening

Monday

ok im going to do this all this week...even if its just to write down what i ate.....here we go.

11am
2 chicken sandwhiches (mcdonalds)
sm diet coke

1pm







salad with turkey, bacon, egg, tomato, lettuce, carrots & dressing

2 liters water

3pm
2 slices of pizza the office brought in and was screaming my name

8pm
2 PBJ sandwhich

11pm
2 packages of cheddar twist (ww snacks 4 point value)

thats it!

Tuesday Menu

ok so im not really good at blogging my food but i am going to give it a fair try.

breakfast
egg mc muffin
hashbrown
diet coke

lunch
bagel with cream cheese x3 (not all at once....throughout the day)

dinner
orange
2 pt snacks x3
peanuts (1 3/4 oz)

ill put up the points when i get them. this is what i ate today. not the best but im broke so ill take what i can get.

this will get better in time. ill post more pics and have my points and i will take it more seriously. its my birthday so im not expecting to lose much this week as i plan on eating cake and consuming lots of alcohol...lol

Week One

ok so my first week wasn't so bad. Lost 4.4

i was pretty shocked as i didn't really take it all the seriously this week. i mean...i did cut down on the food i can tell you that. i did drink more water. but i also went drinking and drank a lot of alcohol, i did eat bad foods....but i guess i did something right as i did loose weight.

its funny though cuz even though i did loose, i always think to myself, well....if only......

and that could be just about anything.

if only i didn't eat that PBJ sandwhich just before i left for the meeting i might have lost more...

if only i didn't drink so much that night.....

if only i ate more veggies this week....

if i only joined the Y like i planned too i would have gotten in some excersise....

why can't i just be happy that i lost 4 lbs. even though i know it could have been more....4 lbs is still a great loss.

and i am happy about it. really i am. i had a great weekend and i even walked more than i usually do and was active and had fun.

i feel better.

ive been eating more veggies and less fast food.

more fruit and less junk.

more water.

im going to join the bandwagon with my Kari and Cindy and photoblog my meals and list my food intake and try to count the points as best as i can.

so that is that really. This is the start of my Birthday week so i can't really promise anything. i know its going to be a crazy week simply because im determinded to have fun for my birthday. im going to 40 damit. i want to have fun!

and thats all she wrote!